Friday, March 18, 2011

"a girl like the old me"

Most people don't like to admit that their life isn't really as perfect as it might look on the outside.  They try to hide up all the family drama, issues with friends and life, or problems that exist with a significant other.  I mean who wants to admit failure and screw ups to the people around them?  Who wants to be judged or talked about? Who wants their business passed around for others to use as conversation?  Nobody of course.

In reading one blog earlier, I couldn't help but keep saying to myself that she is "a girl like the old me".  Her blog was very attractive and interesting.  Her life was pretty much amazing.  She has traveled all over the world, living and vacationing in some great places.  She is furthering her education and has big plans for the future to "succeed".  She seemed family oriented, giving of her time and service, extremely active within the community and had an active lifestyle.  I couldn't help but feel a little jealous for a moment.  I mean "damn this B**** has everything.  Her positive quotes and outlook on life was almost sickening to me though and I couldn't figure it out.  I kept reading her posts which included a variety of topics and just felt BLAH.

And then it hit me.  Where was her struggle?  Where was her pain?  What were her faults? What had she overcome or faced in her life? 


I couldn't relate to her.  I couldn't feel warm and fuzzy with her and I couldn't really even be happy for her success because it was too easy.  I know this sounds really judgmental but I'm not judging her, I just want to be honest about how I felt.  Reading about her life made me feel like my life was even more lame and crappy.  She was a few years younger than me so of course I compared myself to her.  She liked a lot of the same things as me, and got to experience all the things I have wanted my whole life.  I almost got mad at myself for a second when I thought about how I had thrown my dreams away five years ago.  And then I thought what I think a lot of people hate to admit at some point in their life. 

This is not where I saw myself at this age. So basically I'm a failure. So lame. She reminded me of all the mess in my life and showed me her perfect, clean, and orangized life as a comparison.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.........BOOM! *blows whistle* 

Finally it hit me out of nowhere. I realized that she represented "a girl like the old me".  She had posted everything on that blog that she wants society and readers to perceive her as. Where was the real her? Where was the messy, the flaws, the screw ups?  I was tired of hearing about her postiveness waking up and getting out of bed excited for each day.  I mean really, get real.  As much as I love my life right now, jumping out of the bed is never going to happen unless somebody wakes me up with some extravagant awesome news like winning the lottery or having a publishing company offer me a book deal with an advance.

My jeaolosy and comparisons with her ended immediately when my heart reached out to her.  I thought about her future, I thought about her dreams being crushed.  I thought about her pour heart being broken and destroyed.  I prayed for her in a way.  I don't want her to go throught anything that I had to face. I don't want her to ever lose herself the way that I did.  And after all that I started to appreciate my failure even more.  I thought about how without it, I would never know the meaning of failure, helplessness, emotional abuse, regret, disappointment, feeling lost,

I have experienced the real world. Not only did I live in Kuwait for a year and live amongst Soldiers from every state in the U.S. I got to experience life on the West Coast and in the Midwest.  The business environment, the life, the people were all different. I got to experience starting at nothing and making it to something.  With no friends, family, or support, I had to find a place to live, start a new life, and resolve some issues from the past life.

From reading my blogs or following me on twitter, you might think that its so great that I can admit my faults to the world without thinking twice about people judging me.  Some might think that I have strength and confidence for doing so.  The truth is, I do.  The other truth is, I worked hard to get there.

Peace and Love

The Mess is Success?

How many of you have thought to yourselves that once you overcome a certain obstacle in life or time period, then finally you be able to breath easier and just relax.  It could be that your waiting to get caught up with your bills, waiting for summer to get here so you can use your vacation to work around the house, or maybe your waiting for that next step in life whether it be college, your first job, or a new career. 

Its possible you are going through some hard times and need to borrow money, cut back on your budget, end a relationship, take care of one of your children or one of your parents.  You constantly look towards the future when the mess will finally be over or "when things get better".  But haven't you already had the back to back crisis occur at least once?  You know, just when you end one hardship, a whole brand new problem appears out of nowhere.  Its a neverending messy life isn't it?

If you keep waiting for the "what's next" and if you don't have peace and joy in the present moment, you are missing out on life.  Don't get me wrong, its great to have goals and future plans, but if you are constantly worried about the future, how are you ever able to enjoy the moment you are in right now? Love you life right now.  Your probably not enjoying the moment because you think its too messy.  I could be grief, anger, failure, disappointement, and the list goes on. We tend to throw all the bad stuff in life into this one category and we keep in private.  We don't want the world to know that we aren't as great as we really seemed to be.

I often wonder if we all just talked about the mess in our lifes and shared concern as well as motivation with one another, would we see some growth in society as a whole.  With pressure from family and the competitionwith our peers, SUCCESS has become the number one objective in life.  Success to some could mean starting a family and settling down in a house in a small safe community. 

Success from where I came from and that driving passion to make it to the top were based mostly on status, money, recognition, and position.  It could also represent all the places that you have traveled, all the things that you have seen, and all those experiences that have made you more diverse and well-rounded.   

These seem to be the most popular questions in order to find out more about a person. "Where did you go to college?  What company do you work for and what is your title? Where and how big is your house?  What kind of car do you drive?  Where did you last go on vacation?  How big was your wedding? Wedding Dress? Ring?  Is that bag Coach or Chanel?"

After you get the answers to these questions, you can finally draw up a conclusion of who that person really is.  Right? Wrong.  What have you learned about them? Now take a look at the next set of questions. 

"What are you passionate about? What are your hobbies?  Do you consider yourself spiritual at all?  What is one weird strange fact about you? What do you wish you could take back from your past? Do you admit your failures and disappointments to anybody? At your high school 10 year reunion what do you want your peers to remember you for?"

Are you with me still?  Now the first set of questions was an excellent way for you to know what a person does.  This is what they look like from the outside and how society .  You can't really find out who a person truly is without learning more about them not just what they have done or what they do.  And so when you start learning more about them, the messy life could start to reveal itself.  This is when you find out how people deal with mess.  This could be the single most imporant factor for me when determining a person's strength and character.  "How well do you deal with the Mess?"  Son in other words, when life takes its blows at you one at at time, how do you react and how do you plan to clean up the mess. 

You see for me, how well somebody handles the mess is a sign of that persons success.  And for those who have experienced more and more mess and those not afraid to admit the mess they are currently in, that is success.  So is "The Mess Really Success"

Here are some questions to ask yourself about life.  They really get you thinking don't they?  Feel free to answer the questions below or comment on this post about anything. 

How do you become your true self if you haven't been faced with any challenges?

What is success really? 

Who set the standard for that? 

So you're going off of society's standards for success or God's?

Peace and Hearts

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Confess The Mess: My First Series For Guest Bloggers

All of us have messy lives.  The mess can be emotional, financial, physical, spiritual, sexual, or a "combo mess".  From what I have experienced and learned in this entire process is that when one area is affected by the mess, the other areas soon start to show signs of a messy future.  It is best to clean out the mess before it multiplies. I just realized that I'm watching hoarders right now while writing this post.  This has got to be our sign and/or warning that if we don't take care of our messy life, we could end up as a hoarder with both physical and emotional junk that's so great it makes it on television. We don't want to ever have our mess consume our life that much.  Unless that is, your goal is simply to make it on television and this is your last resort. 

"Confess The Mess" was inspired by one of my readers.  She is a "closet writer" which is what I have decided to call those individuals who do not claim to be writers and wish to remain anonymous.  I'm so excited that this blog has turned out to be something that so many of my readers can relate to.  I randomly chose a title that ended up having multiple meanings about life. The best part is that I really chose it because it made fun of me for actually being a little bit messy.

If you need to confess your mess in life and have no other outlet, writing seems to be one of the more popular ways to express feelings and emotions.  For those struggling with the decision of whether or not to remain anonymous or not, please don't ever beat yourself up about being private. That is who you are and as a part of embracing who you are, you should fully accept your individual personality.

Stay tuned for the anonymous writers as they join my blog for the series "Confess The Mess"

Peace and Hearts

Mess On The Move

On Friday, March 11, 2011, me and Coco started out journey back to Virginia.  It was three years ago and one month exactly when I got on the plane for California. I can't really begin to explain all the thoughts and feelingsI have in just this one post.  So of course that is why I have this blog and I'm trying to write a book.  

I still can't believe that my car made the trip again.  My car is 5 years old this month.  Crazy huh?                 

We had a short stop the next morning at Sonic for breakfast. I ended up taking about an hour for a break.  Who knows where we were.  I was just following the google map. 

We stopped at a rest area later that day and played fetch for about ten minutes.  We also had a short photo shoot to capture the moment.  Coco thought she would be cute and has her tongue sticking out in this one.

Peace and Hearts

Monday, March 14, 2011

Packing up the Mess

Packing up the Mess (March 6, 2011)

Edit the Mess: Organizing and Downsizing Pre-move

The Mess (March 5, 2011)

This is a procrastinators worst nightmare.  Believe me when I say this was so hard.  I had no motivation to pack and this junk up.  I thought once about giving everything away and just starting over, but of course I know that I would have had regrets.  Thanks to Heather, Jinell, and Stephanie, I got motivated to pack, give away items that I didn't need to carry with me, and throw out some of the junk.  Coco's anxiety kicked in around this time.  This will be the 4th move of her life and she has not even turned three yet.  My dog is extrememly diverse and adaptable.  "she get it from her mama"

Peace and Hearts

The Mess. The Packing. The Move.

Photo taken March 5, 2011

There was a tornado that touched down earlier in Tulsa, Oklahoma leaving one girl with nothing but a mess.  Clothing, shoes, accessories, books, office supplies, souvenirs from the past, and more had been scattered all throughout the home.  One giant storm leaves this young woman with a big mess.  Her journey will be difficult and her journey could be long. But one day she will realize that the belongings she holds onto are the ones that will always be with her, as she rids herself of the clutter that is part of the mess. 

Welcome to my messy life. I hope you enjoy my adventures as I finish completing this project I refer to as "Her Journey Through The Mess"

Peace & Hearts

Read, Write, Run, and Repeat

This is what I want to do daily:

I have so many books that I have started but I never get around to finish them.  What a waste huh?  I start reading one about a certain subject and then it might relate to another one so I basically jump around from book to book.

All I want to do is write.  Well an addition to that now would be Video Blogging.  It is so much easier to remember not only what was said, but how it was said.  I'm thinking about going to my parent's "lake shack" and locking myself up there for a few days.

I will be running everyday, sometimes twice a day with occasional breaks.  The weather is beautiful and my dog is ready to go!  This should be fun.

So basically I would be completely happy doing the above three things over and over again. 

I have to move to the beach.  Recently I have become obsessed with Florida and pictures from there.  I have also had random people the past few months mention that they are from Florida, wanting to move there, or that they have family there.  Maybe since I was born there, I'm supposed to like go back eventually.  Just a thought. 

Peace and Love

Read Me. See Me.

This is how my mind works. Thinking, Idea, Talking, Idea, Listening, Share Ideas, Share Energy, Share Knowledge, Share Experience. By the way, I hope you were listening?

Before getting in my car on that last day in Tulsa, I was talking to my roommate about how much I could write about for 19 hours if I didn't have to drive.  She mentioned that I needed a tape recorder which I have thought about before.  Just like everything else, unless it is a sticky note on my hand or an alarm set in my phone, there is a 10% chance I will remember.  I did think about going to Walmart that night before I started my journey home, but I decided it was too late.  I go off feelings on most of my actions so I guess I didn't feel it necessary for me to go. 

Earlier that day I said my goodbyes to my best friend at work/neighbor.  She wanted me to come over again and say goodbye because she felt guilty crying and leaving so fast in our first goodbye.  Of course with me, the no emotions kind of girl, I was like "really, a second goodbye".  But of course since I have realized all my friends are so different, I have to treat each one unique so that we remain great friends.  This is similar to compromising in a relationship, plus it made her happy and feel better so why not.  After about ten minutes of saying goodbye to her and her children, I walked outside to leave and she followed me to walk me out to my car. 

For some reason, I mentioned the tape recorder idea that me and Heather had discussed.  Then my friend simply suggested that I use my phone's video recorder for the trip.  All I can say is this "Where did this come from".  First of all, why have I never thought of this before, and how did my return for a 2nd goodbye (which normally the old Kristin might have bailed on) provide me with the alternative suggestion that I needed. And so now I have used the advice that simply fell out of heaven. 

This is the unedited version of myself.

Peace and Hearts

Friday, March 11, 2011

California Dreams. God's Plan.

Moving to California had been my dream even before high school.  I always had this overpowering desire to move away and discover something great.  I knew somehow my whole life as I was growing up that I was meant for some kind of greatness.  I had some kind of superstar personality and truly believed that I would make it.  My dreams had no limits.  Everything I wanted in my life came true if I believed it was truly possible and worked hard to get there. 

When my best friend came into my life, she shared my incredible desire to pursue greatness.  I had found someone who had the same idea that anything is possible.  There are no limits.  Her enthusiasm and motivation was the motivation  that I needed. Someone actually believed me and understood how I felt about life.  Someone I could relate with and someone who would always believe in me.

People always stayed in the small town I grew up in.  They stayed for life and that was all they knew.  I knew that I would never be satisfied with my life if I didn't get out of there and find more.  I had no idea what I was looking for but it was bigger than anything I had seen or experienced.  I just knew it. I felt it.  I believed it. When the opportunity came for me to move away to California, I just knew this was my chance.  I took my first risk ever. I left my job, my family, my world as I knew it, I had escaped in search of what was missing.  California represented everything that I was looking for.  Different. Diverse. Dreams.  California had to be where I belonged and where I would discover life. 

What about God's Plan?

My life turned into a mess from the moment I moved to California and I would discover a world I never knew before.  This world was full of everything that I had never known before.  It was hard, sad, and lonely.  More than anything I felt like a failure and I was too prideful to ask for help.  I just stayed hoping it would get better.  I was fighting through so that I could be successful in leaving and successful in life.  Once I hit rock bottom and I couldn't fight anymore, I turned to the one thing I had from my past.  My faith.

California was God's plan for my life.  He was the one responsible for that burning desire I had to leave home and discover more about life and love. He had put California in my plan a long time ago.  Moving away three years ago didn't work out at all like I had planned.  I failed.  My plan failed.  But God's plan was the biggest success of my life.  The lessons he taught me and the experiences I had were necessary for me to serve my purpose here on earth. 

The journey was amazing.  I no longer feel like I'm searching for more or striving to reach some invisible goal. The journey is life and finding your purpose is succeeding.  Once you start working for God and follow his plan for your life, that constant need for more is fulfilled.  It is filled with his unconditional love and that is when life starts to become more than any dream you can ever imagine. 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Why so many girls are insecure and depressed......

I wrote this as a reply to a comment or post a few months ago.  I decided to share it here since this was a question I had always wanted to find out about. 
Society, High School, and change in my family made a huge impact for me.  Throughout my studies I found that 1 in 4 woman are depressed before they even leave high school.  With expectations to succeed in academics, athletics, friendships while facing pressures of beauty, weight, approval of our parents, we got burned out pretty quickly. 
Looking back I realize now what was going on with my best friend.  The best cheerleader, prettiest girl in the whole school, talented artist was depressed.  She eventually withdrew from our group of friends and used relationships to escape.  She never graduated high school and then entered a marriage that was pressured by her parents which a year later ended in divorce. 
Through her artwork on facebook and interactions with our high school friends I can finally see her again (if that makes any sense) We are who we are as children but you are so right we act how we are perceived. 
I would have to say that I felt a lot better about myself when I realized I wasn't the only girl that was feeling overwhelmed in high school.  It's just that nobody is talking about it and we are looking to fit it so bad that we couldn't possibly be the one taking medication or not able to handle so much responsibility and pressure.  If we were able to start communicating some of these issues at an early age we could fix a lot of the problem. Those young girls would learn to communicate with each other about their problems, issues, and concerns. 
Stop Depression.  Get Happy.

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 2

Walking into that church with Courtney at that time in life was when the most amazing thing happened to me. I felt his presence.  I felt God.  His spirit filled that church and filled my soul in that moment.  I had to continue to hold back tears the whole time.  Being in a church again and one that did not remind me of the forced religion that I had at one time grown accustomed to was a great turning point in my life. 

I could feel the presence of holiness and I could feel the spirit of the Lord for the first time at church. It only took that first visit and that was all I needed.  I left with a spiritual connection with God that I had always been missing.  God would answer my prayers now because I had prepared myself to listen. I remember that last time I went to my room and cried.  It was not too long before I left.  I remember it so clearly, I can almost hear the yelling in my head at this moment.  With so many love/hate fights over the years, I do not remember the exact argument or situation that caused this particular retreat into my safe zone.   I can of course assume that lying, deceit, hateful words, and lack of respect were all involved.  What I do remember is this.  While I lie on the twin bed in the second bedroom with the last few tears in my eyes, something happened.  For the first time, it all seemed so very clear. God's Voice. It was gentle, firm, and I remember how ready I was to listen while he said:

"It is over child. This is not my plan. This part of your life is done. Know that I have something greater for you but this is only the beginning of your journey.  Be patient.  It is not time to leave yet. You must be strong because it will be hard.  Be quiet and do not speak of what you know while you prepare.  Do not worry or wish for me to hurry.  Be patient.  I will show you when its time to leave him.  I will be there beside you.  It will get worse than what you know. Do not be afraid because I am here.  And most of all do not show anger, do not show regret, and do not show hate.  Only love, kindness, and forgiveness.  He does not know of these traits. be the example of me"

So of course I was pretty much freaking out alone after all this. I had never "heard" what God was saying to me.  They always talked about this at church but did they ever give us a story like this to use as an example.  Honestly explaining it would never give it the justice it deserves.  The feeling is indescribable. We are talking here about your individual relationship with God.  Nobody will ever be able to understand it but God and you.  We can relate by comparing stories but to explain the depth of the process and the feeling is impossible. 

And just as promised, he had the perfect plan.  In February 2010, I became emotionally detached from the man who had taken my life, my world, my soul.  And I knew at that moment that he didn’t stand a chance in getting me back, because I had someone on my side.  No longer was I helpless and alone.  No longer could he think that since I moved far away from family and friends and had no true friends to support me here that I would need him still.  No longer would I be dependent on his fake idea of love o his disinterest in caring for my needs.  I had a body guard, a shield, and my Father all in one.  He never stood a chance after that. 

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 1

The lies, manipulation, deception, cheating, jealously, and hateful behavior was the pattern that I can now say I became addicted to. Five years ago I met him, the man that would change my life.  I eventually got to a point when I knew that I was going to have to decide when forgiveness and second chances had reached the limit.  5 years ago I began a journey that would eventually bring me to the lowest point of my life.   It was dark, alone, and sad, and most of all depressing.  I lost everything, my identity, my motivation, my health and body, my determination and drive, my family and friends.  My entire world seemed to have disappeared and I seemed to be living another life.
At my lowest point, I felt so far from that young woman I once was, I started to wonder if I could ever be Kristin again?  Five years of my life I lived blind in a destructive relationship whether it was love/hate.  My self-esteem and sense of worth slowly began to slip away and now I am finally ready to open up and write the truth and publish all those stories I had written or thought about along the way.  This memoir will inspire anyone who has been hurt by someone that they thought was love.  Someone who like myself had fallen into a dark hole somewhere along the way.  So dark there was not even a glimpse of light to follow which would serve as hope for the end.   When you know exactly what you need to do, but you don’t have the strength or courage to make the change you begin to feel hopeless. 
As a 27-year old woman with a deeply rooted religious background, I found myself calling out to God unaware that I was seeking his guidance and direction.  Leaving all the silly rules of church that were instilled in my head at an early age, and the conformity of being taught how I was supposed to pray, I was simply reading scriptures out of the Bible and Women’s Devotional  to seek comfort in something familiar.  Each fight and argument seemed to grow more intense, there were more secrets being revealed and the pain and hurt grew even deeper.  It didn’t take long until I would regularly find therapy by locking myself in the second bedroom as I cried out for both my Mom and God.  There in that room were the only real pieces of me.  My clothes and shoes, the desk and bookshelf I had proudly purchased.  I made that room into my little world.  With the door locked and God’s word in my hand, I would simply read aloud verses and passages from a devotional often skipping to titles of the ones that would be relevant to what I was going through. 

There alone in that room I was doing something I had never had to do in over 25 years.  I was seeking God’s help and direction and without him I would be alone. Without him, I would have nothing.  My pride did now allow me to share my fear and pain with friends and family, so there in that room, God was the only one to hear me cry.  And now nearly two years later, I realize that each time I went into that room and read the stories and verses that would speak to my soul, each time make me a little bit stronger, each time made me a little less prideful, and each time God was secretly building up a little piece of me so that I would eventually have all the necessary pieces to be strong again. 

I admit that I kind of knew that it was already over.  Its like I knew what I needed to do.  I cried and prayed and asked God to give me the strength to leave.  Even when I knew it was what I had to do, I did not yet have the courage in my heart so I officially called on God to help me.  As I write this out, parts of the story start to unravel in my mind even more.  A friend of mine Courtney had invited me to go to church with her.  Now you should know that church is something that I had been interested in sharing in my relationship but was turned down on several occasions. I truly wanted a spiritual relationship together and with God.  So you can imagine what it felt like to hear comments on how I was probably really going to meet other guys and using church as my excuse. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Journey to Mastery

The master and the student on the journey to mastery, knows that the illusions are the illusions, decides why they are there, and then consciously creates what will be experienced next within the self through the illusions. When facing any life experience, there is a formula, a process, through which you may choose to move through mastery. Simply make the following statements: One, nothing in my world is real. Two, The meaning of everything is the meaning I give it. Three, I am who I say I am, and my experience is what I say it is. This is how to work with the illusions of life."

Neale Donald Walsch

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Moving On. The Mess Ends Here. Part 1

This post will provide the current status on packing my life up for this move. I'm writing this more for me than my readers. I need some sort of record of my constant attempt to follow a schedule. I have been editing so many things I don't even need or use anymore.  This reminds me of the friends I have been editing this past year. Sometimes sad but you move on with a greater sense of who you are and who cares about you.

Thanks for your support. Thinking about taking a video of this disaster.

5:00 pm -  I have currently been procrastinating for the past 3 hours playing on twitter and researching random psychic websites.

10:23 pm - My moving buddy left and so I took a break. I have boxes everywhere and I will post pictures soon. Of course the clothes and accessories is what complicates this process, not to mention books, journals, scrapbooks, and magazines. I will report more in the next hour.

10:34 pm - Just now finished editing the beginning of this post. Do you understand the level of procrastination yet?

Stay Tuned

Friday, March 4, 2011

Have you found your Soul (Room)mate yet?

Not the perfect roommate, but the one roommate that is perfect for you.

1. Where can clean dishes be found always?  Dishwasher Always
2. When do we wash dishes?  Who knows? I think most the time we have no idea and just start the dishwasher over again.
3. Does your roommate get mad if you leave your dirty dishes in the sink? Never
4. Does your roommate get mad if you leave stuff lying around? Never
5. What do you do when you need the washer and your roommates stuff is in there? Neatly take it out and place it on top, wash your clothes, then return her clothes to washer.  NEVER PUT IN DRYER, I REPEAT NEVER PUT IN DRYER
6.  Who takes out the trash?  Monday and Thursday we always forget
7.  So what happens to the trash? Eventually we realize the garage is full of trash so we load it up in the truck (close to midnight) and sneak it over to the apartment dumpster down the road.
8.  Who cooks dinner most?  Heather but only because she has the boyfriend
9.  What is her favorite thing to cook?  Spaghetti  (Mac & Cheese a year ago but now we are grown-ups)
10. Who cuts the grass?  "We do" My first grass cutting experience ever turned into 2 hours of deep yard work.  Then we never did it again.

Stay tuned for more later....
Peace & Hearts