Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I don't fear commitment. I fear failure.

I once tweeted that I like to start things in the middle.  I don't really like beginnings or endings of anything.  Let's take a relationship for example.  The beginning is just weird and the ending just sucks.  I'd rather jump in the middle where its normal and fun.  But then again I fear commitment so I'm not one to ever really be in a relationship at all.  But is it really commitment that I fear?

Writing this book of mine feels a lot like commiting to a relationship.  I am ready and not ready at the same time.  I have writings from the past seven years that I need to compile together into this one masterpiece just as I have all the life lessons that I have learned to take with me into my next relationship.  So you might ask "What am I so afraid of?"

Let me share a secret. I'm not so scared of commitment, I'm just really scared of failing at the commitment.  I just want to be happy and I don't want to get myself in another unhappy situation.  I don't want to start a relationship that is going to end. I truly just want to wait on the ultimate relationship that will never end so I don't have to face the ending of another failed relationship.  I can't invest my time, energy, and emotions into a relationship if I don't love the other person and they don't love me back.

So just like being scared of a failed relationship, I'm subconsciously scared of commiting to writing a book that could fail.  I never realized this until just now.  I am frightened that I will spend so much time and put forth so much love into my passion of writing and it will crush me if the result is a failed product.  So I ask myself now "Do I just give up my passion?"

Do I look like the kind of girl that gives up?  I don't think so.  Now that I have finally admitted this to myself and my readers, it is time to take action.  I don't want to be scared of commitment because I am scared of failure.  That is no way to live life.  And so I have to ask myself. Is writing this book with so much love and passion without knowing if anybody will love it back the same as loving someone first with the risk of not knowing if they will love me back? That is a scary thought. I'll start with the book writing commitment first before I get ahead of myself. I'm going to write my perfect book and the perfect love story will be written for me when the time is right.

My dreams are high and my passion is strong.

Peace and Hearts