"a girl like the old me"

Most people don't like to admit that their life isn't really as perfect as it might look on the outside.  They try to hide up all the family drama, issues with friends and life, or problems that exist with a significant other.  I mean who wants to admit failure and screw ups to the people around them?  Who wants to be judged or talked about? Who wants their business passed around for others to use as conversation?  Nobody of course.

In reading one blog earlier, I couldn't help but keep saying to myself that she is "a girl like the old me".  Her blog was very attractive and interesting.  Her life was pretty much amazing.  She has traveled all over the world, living and vacationing in some great places.  She is furthering her education and has big plans for the future to "succeed".  She seemed family oriented, giving of her time and service, extremely active within the community and had an active lifestyle.  I couldn't help but feel a little jealous for a moment.  I mean "damn this B**** has everything.  Her positive quotes and outlook on life was almost sickening to me though and I couldn't figure it out.  I kept reading her posts which included a variety of topics and just felt BLAH.

And then it hit me.  Where was her struggle?  Where was her pain?  What were her faults? What had she overcome or faced in her life? 

I WAS SEARCHING FOR HER MESS?

I couldn't relate to her.  I couldn't feel warm and fuzzy with her and I couldn't really even be happy for her success because it was too easy.  I know this sounds really judgmental but I'm not judging her, I just want to be honest about how I felt.  Reading about her life made me feel like my life was even more lame and crappy.  She was a few years younger than me so of course I compared myself to her.  She liked a lot of the same things as me, and got to experience all the things I have wanted my whole life.  I almost got mad at myself for a second when I thought about how I had thrown my dreams away five years ago.  And then I thought what I think a lot of people hate to admit at some point in their life. 

This is not where I saw myself at this age. So basically I'm a failure. So lame. She reminded me of all the mess in my life and showed me her perfect, clean, and orangized life as a comparison.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.........BOOM! *blows whistle* 

Finally it hit me out of nowhere. I realized that she represented "a girl like the old me".  She had posted everything on that blog that she wants society and readers to perceive her as. Where was the real her? Where was the messy, the flaws, the screw ups?  I was tired of hearing about her postiveness waking up and getting out of bed excited for each day.  I mean really, get real.  As much as I love my life right now, jumping out of the bed is never going to happen unless somebody wakes me up with some extravagant awesome news like winning the lottery or having a publishing company offer me a book deal with an advance.

My jeaolosy and comparisons with her ended immediately when my heart reached out to her.  I thought about her future, I thought about her dreams being crushed.  I thought about her pour heart being broken and destroyed.  I prayed for her in a way.  I don't want her to go throught anything that I had to face. I don't want her to ever lose herself the way that I did.  And after all that I started to appreciate my failure even more.  I thought about how without it, I would never know the meaning of failure, helplessness, emotional abuse, regret, disappointment, feeling lost,

I have experienced the real world. Not only did I live in Kuwait for a year and live amongst Soldiers from every state in the U.S. I got to experience life on the West Coast and in the Midwest.  The business environment, the life, the people were all different. I got to experience starting at nothing and making it to something.  With no friends, family, or support, I had to find a place to live, start a new life, and resolve some issues from the past life.

From reading my blogs or following me on twitter, you might think that its so great that I can admit my faults to the world without thinking twice about people judging me.  Some might think that I have strength and confidence for doing so.  The truth is, I do.  The other truth is, I worked hard to get there.

Peace and Love
Kristin