Thursday, March 10, 2011

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 2

Walking into that church with Courtney at that time in life was when the most amazing thing happened to me. I felt his presence.  I felt God.  His spirit filled that church and filled my soul in that moment.  I had to continue to hold back tears the whole time.  Being in a church again and one that did not remind me of the forced religion that I had at one time grown accustomed to was a great turning point in my life. 

I could feel the presence of holiness and I could feel the spirit of the Lord for the first time at church. It only took that first visit and that was all I needed.  I left with a spiritual connection with God that I had always been missing.  God would answer my prayers now because I had prepared myself to listen. I remember that last time I went to my room and cried.  It was not too long before I left.  I remember it so clearly, I can almost hear the yelling in my head at this moment.  With so many love/hate fights over the years, I do not remember the exact argument or situation that caused this particular retreat into my safe zone.   I can of course assume that lying, deceit, hateful words, and lack of respect were all involved.  What I do remember is this.  While I lie on the twin bed in the second bedroom with the last few tears in my eyes, something happened.  For the first time, it all seemed so very clear. God's Voice. It was gentle, firm, and I remember how ready I was to listen while he said:

"It is over child. This is not my plan. This part of your life is done. Know that I have something greater for you but this is only the beginning of your journey.  Be patient.  It is not time to leave yet. You must be strong because it will be hard.  Be quiet and do not speak of what you know while you prepare.  Do not worry or wish for me to hurry.  Be patient.  I will show you when its time to leave him.  I will be there beside you.  It will get worse than what you know. Do not be afraid because I am here.  And most of all do not show anger, do not show regret, and do not show hate.  Only love, kindness, and forgiveness.  He does not know of these traits. be the example of me"

So of course I was pretty much freaking out alone after all this. I had never "heard" what God was saying to me.  They always talked about this at church but did they ever give us a story like this to use as an example.  Honestly explaining it would never give it the justice it deserves.  The feeling is indescribable. We are talking here about your individual relationship with God.  Nobody will ever be able to understand it but God and you.  We can relate by comparing stories but to explain the depth of the process and the feeling is impossible. 

And just as promised, he had the perfect plan.  In February 2010, I became emotionally detached from the man who had taken my life, my world, my soul.  And I knew at that moment that he didn’t stand a chance in getting me back, because I had someone on my side.  No longer was I helpless and alone.  No longer could he think that since I moved far away from family and friends and had no true friends to support me here that I would need him still.  No longer would I be dependent on his fake idea of love o his disinterest in caring for my needs.  I had a body guard, a shield, and my Father all in one.  He never stood a chance after that. 

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