I made a discovery tonight! Well I guess I decided to finally admit this to myself and to the world (well those who read this). I subconsciously stopped working out because this is how my ex-fiance managed to manipulate me over five years ago.
I was this small-town girl that had joined the Army Reserves and had only been in for a year before getting deployed to Kuwait. I have been running and working out my whole life so of course the gym in Kuwait was where I would be every afternoon for two hours or more running, spin class, and doing all the "girl workouts".
He was an officer in the military ten years older than me that I had been introduced to only once by someone in my unit. There I was at the Ab bench doing my workout headphones on and oblivious to the world around me. He came over and started asking me if I had ever bench pressed before and then proceeded to lead me over to foreign free weight area of the gym which I was referred to as the "guy area of the gym". What was I to think. He was an officer in the army and I was a brand new Specialist. Illegal for this to be anything more than him just being a nice Army Officer interested in my well-being. He would be risking his whole career and getting kicked out the military if he was really trying to pursue anything more (or so I thought) He scheduled us to start working out 3 times a week and eventually I became his official gym buddy every day. Of course we didn't see each other at any other time.
For three months he taught me everything I needed to know about bodybuilding, sets, and the whole world of fitness before he started making his moves. He was making his moves the whole entire time. He skillfully learned everything about me through conversations and small-talk between sets. He even managed to have an ex-girlfriend appear at the gym one night and left to go watch a movie with her. Of course she was this cute little blond and so now I realize this was his game. I was obviously not into him until he had played ever single one of his tricks on me. What makes me angry and yes I am saying it angry is that he used his position in the military to initially lock me in.
I was a hardcore "workoutaholic" for years. When I got home from Kuwait I was in the gym for a least two hours a night running about 30 miles a week. And now five years later after all the drama, and a year after leaving him, why can't I love working out anymore and get motivated to be the "gym girl" again. Well tonight I started thinking about it while I was working out. When I work out, I start thinking about the manipulation, the lies, the games he played which all started with him becoming my unofficial personal trainer. Working out is what he used.
Now that I finally realize this and can admit it to myself, I can finally make the change. Wow, life is so crazy how we discover new things each day about why we do things. Now I am determined more than ever to beat this subconscious behavior and get myself back physically which would complete my goal to getting back to 100% Kristin. I think I might get a personal trainer at my gym and start over like I'm learning everything for the very first time. Or better yet, I'm going to do it alone and make it my own "fitness journey" since I already know exactly what to do.