Why so many girls are insecure and depressed......

I wrote this as a reply to a comment or post a few months ago.  I decided to share it here since this was a question I had always wanted to find out about. 

Society, High School, and change in my family made a huge impact for me.  Throughout my studies I found that 1 in 4 woman are depressed before they even leave high school.  With expectations to succeed in academics, athletics, friendships while facing pressures of beauty, weight, approval of our parents, we got burned out pretty quickly. 

Looking back I realize now what was going on with my best friend.  The best cheerleader, prettiest girl in the whole school, talented artist was depressed.  She eventually withdrew from our group of friends and used relationships to escape.  She never graduated high school and then entered a marriage that was pressured by her parents which a year later ended in divorce. 

Through her artwork on facebook and interactions with our high school friends I can finally see her again (if that makes any sense) We are who we are as children but you are so right we act how we are perceived. 

I would have to say that I felt a lot better about myself when I realized I wasn't the only girl that was feeling overwhelmed in high school.  It's just that nobody is talking about it and we are looking to fit it so bad that we couldn't possibly be the one taking medication or not able to handle so much responsibility and pressure.  If we were able to start communicating some of these issues at an early age we could fix a lot of the problem. Those young girls would learn to communicate with each other about their problems, issues, and concerns. 

Stop Depression.  Get Happy.

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 2

Walking into that church with Courtney at that time in life was when the most amazing thing happened to me. I felt his presence.  I felt God.  His spirit filled that church and filled my soul in that moment.  I had to continue to hold back tears the whole time.  Being in a church again and one that did not remind me of the forced religion that I had at one time grown accustomed to was a great turning point in my life. 

I could feel the presence of holiness and I could feel the spirit of the Lord for the first time at church. It only took that first visit and that was all I needed.  I left with a spiritual connection with God that I had always been missing.  God would answer my prayers now because I had prepared myself to listen. I remember that last time I went to my room and cried.  It was not too long before I left.  I remember it so clearly, I can almost hear the yelling in my head at this moment.  With so many love/hate fights over the years, I do not remember the exact argument or situation that caused this particular retreat into my safe zone.   I can of course assume that lying, deceit, hateful words, and lack of respect were all involved.  What I do remember is this.  While I lie on the twin bed in the second bedroom with the last few tears in my eyes, something happened.  For the first time, it all seemed so very clear. God's Voice. It was gentle, firm, and I remember how ready I was to listen while he said:

"It is over child. This is not my plan. This part of your life is done. Know that I have something greater for you but this is only the beginning of your journey.  Be patient.  It is not time to leave yet. You must be strong because it will be hard.  Be quiet and do not speak of what you know while you prepare.  Do not worry or wish for me to hurry.  Be patient.  I will show you when its time to leave him.  I will be there beside you.  It will get worse than what you know. Do not be afraid because I am here.  And most of all do not show anger, do not show regret, and do not show hate.  Only love, kindness, and forgiveness.  He does not know of these traits. be the example of me"

So of course I was pretty much freaking out alone after all this. I had never "heard" what God was saying to me.  They always talked about this at church but did they ever give us a story like this to use as an example.  Honestly explaining it would never give it the justice it deserves.  The feeling is indescribable. We are talking here about your individual relationship with God.  Nobody will ever be able to understand it but God and you.  We can relate by comparing stories but to explain the depth of the process and the feeling is impossible. 

And just as promised, he had the perfect plan.  In February 2010, I became emotionally detached from the man who had taken my life, my world, my soul.  And I knew at that moment that he didn’t stand a chance in getting me back, because I had someone on my side.  No longer was I helpless and alone.  No longer could he think that since I moved far away from family and friends and had no true friends to support me here that I would need him still.  No longer would I be dependent on his fake idea of love o his disinterest in caring for my needs.  I had a body guard, a shield, and my Father all in one.  He never stood a chance after that. 

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 1

The lies, manipulation, deception, cheating, jealously, and hateful behavior was the pattern that I can now say I became addicted to. Five years ago I met him, the man that would change my life.  I eventually got to a point when I knew that I was going to have to decide when forgiveness and second chances had reached the limit.  5 years ago I began a journey that would eventually bring me to the lowest point of my life.   It was dark, alone, and sad, and most of all depressing.  I lost everything, my identity, my motivation, my health and body, my determination and drive, my family and friends.  My entire world seemed to have disappeared and I seemed to be living another life.

At my lowest point, I felt so far from that young woman I once was, I started to wonder if I could ever be Kristin again?  Five years of my life I lived blind in a destructive relationship whether it was love/hate.  My self-esteem and sense of worth slowly began to slip away and now I am finally ready to open up and write the truth and publish all those stories I had written or thought about along the way.  This memoir will inspire anyone who has been hurt by someone that they thought was love.  Someone who like myself had fallen into a dark hole somewhere along the way.  So dark there was not even a glimpse of light to follow which would serve as hope for the end.   When you know exactly what you need to do, but you don’t have the strength or courage to make the change you begin to feel hopeless. 

As a 27-year old woman with a deeply rooted religious background, I found myself calling out to God unaware that I was seeking his guidance and direction.  Leaving all the silly rules of church that were instilled in my head at an early age, and the conformity of being taught how I was supposed to pray, I was simply reading scriptures out of the Bible and Women’s Devotional  to seek comfort in something familiar.  Each fight and argument seemed to grow more intense, there were more secrets being revealed and the pain and hurt grew even deeper.  It didn’t take long until I would regularly find therapy by locking myself in the second bedroom as I cried out for both my Mom and God.  There in that room were the only real pieces of me.  My clothes and shoes, the desk and bookshelf I had proudly purchased.  I made that room into my little world.  With the door locked and God’s word in my hand, I would simply read aloud verses and passages from a devotional often skipping to titles of the ones that would be relevant to what I was going through. 

There alone in that room I was doing something I had never had to do in over 25 years.  I was seeking God’s help and direction and without him I would be alone. Without him, I would have nothing.  My pride did now allow me to share my fear and pain with friends and family, so there in that room, God was the only one to hear me cry.  And now nearly two years later, I realize that each time I went into that room and read the stories and verses that would speak to my soul, each time make me a little bit stronger, each time made me a little less prideful, and each time God was secretly building up a little piece of me so that I would eventually have all the necessary pieces to be strong again. 

I admit that I kind of knew that it was already over.  Its like I knew what I needed to do.  I cried and prayed and asked God to give me the strength to leave.  Even when I knew it was what I had to do, I did not yet have the courage in my heart so I officially called on God to help me.  As I write this out, parts of the story start to unravel in my mind even more.  A friend of mine Courtney had invited me to go to church with her.  Now you should know that church is something that I had been interested in sharing in my relationship but was turned down on several occasions. I truly wanted a spiritual relationship together and with God.  So you can imagine what it felt like to hear comments on how I was probably really going to meet other guys and using church as my excuse. 

Journey to Mastery

The master and the student on the journey to mastery, knows that the illusions are the illusions, decides why they are there, and then consciously creates what will be experienced next within the self through the illusions. When facing any life experience, there is a formula, a process, through which you may choose to move through mastery. Simply make the following statements: One, nothing in my world is real. Two, The meaning of everything is the meaning I give it. Three, I am who I say I am, and my experience is what I say it is. This is how to work with the illusions of life."

Neale Donald Walsch

Moving On. The Mess Ends Here. Part 1

This post will provide the current status on packing my life up for this move. I'm writing this more for me than my readers. I need some sort of record of my constant attempt to follow a schedule. I have been editing so many things I don't even need or use anymore.  This reminds me of the friends I have been editing this past year. Sometimes sad but you move on with a greater sense of who you are and who cares about you.

Thanks for your support. Thinking about taking a video of this disaster.

5:00 pm -  I have currently been procrastinating for the past 3 hours playing on twitter and researching random psychic websites.

10:23 pm - My moving buddy left and so I took a break. I have boxes everywhere and I will post pictures soon. Of course the clothes and accessories is what complicates this process, not to mention books, journals, scrapbooks, and magazines. I will report more in the next hour.

10:34 pm - Just now finished editing the beginning of this post. Do you understand the level of procrastination yet?

Stay Tuned

Have you found your Soul (Room)mate yet?

Not the perfect roommate, but the one roommate that is perfect for you.

1. Where can clean dishes be found always?  Dishwasher Always

2. When do we wash dishes?  Who knows? I think most the time we have no idea and just start the dishwasher over again.

3. Does your roommate get mad if you leave your dirty dishes in the sink? Never

4. Does your roommate get mad if you leave stuff lying around? Never

5. What do you do when you need the washer and your roommates stuff is in there? Neatly take it out and place it on top, wash your clothes, then return her clothes to washer.  NEVER PUT IN DRYER, I REPEAT NEVER PUT IN DRYER

6.  Who takes out the trash?  Monday and Thursday we always forget

7.  So what happens to the trash? Eventually we realize the garage is full of trash so we load it up in the truck (close to midnight) and sneak it over to the apartment dumpster down the road.

8.  Who cooks dinner most?  Heather but only because she has the boyfriend

9.  What is her favorite thing to cook?  Spaghetti  (Mac & Cheese a year ago but now we are grown-ups)

10. Who cuts the grass?  "We do" My first grass cutting experience ever turned into 2 hours of deep yard work.  Then we never did it again.

Stay tuned for more later....
Peace & Hearts
Kristin

Be as Unique as a Fingerprint

I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard, and also allowing the energy of the universe to lead you.

Oprah Winfrey (1954 - ), O Magazine, September 2002