California Dreams. God's Plan.

Moving to California had been my dream even before high school.  I always had this overpowering desire to move away and discover something great.  I knew somehow my whole life as I was growing up that I was meant for some kind of greatness.  I had some kind of superstar personality and truly believed that I would make it.  My dreams had no limits.  Everything I wanted in my life came true if I believed it was truly possible and worked hard to get there. 

When my best friend came into my life, she shared my incredible desire to pursue greatness.  I had found someone who had the same idea that anything is possible.  There are no limits.  Her enthusiasm and motivation was the motivation  that I needed. Someone actually believed me and understood how I felt about life.  Someone I could relate with and someone who would always believe in me.

People always stayed in the small town I grew up in.  They stayed for life and that was all they knew.  I knew that I would never be satisfied with my life if I didn't get out of there and find more.  I had no idea what I was looking for but it was bigger than anything I had seen or experienced.  I just knew it. I felt it.  I believed it. When the opportunity came for me to move away to California, I just knew this was my chance.  I took my first risk ever. I left my job, my family, my world as I knew it, I had escaped in search of what was missing.  California represented everything that I was looking for.  Different. Diverse. Dreams.  California had to be where I belonged and where I would discover life. 

What about God's Plan?

My life turned into a mess from the moment I moved to California and I would discover a world I never knew before.  This world was full of everything that I had never known before.  It was hard, sad, and lonely.  More than anything I felt like a failure and I was too prideful to ask for help.  I just stayed hoping it would get better.  I was fighting through so that I could be successful in leaving and successful in life.  Once I hit rock bottom and I couldn't fight anymore, I turned to the one thing I had from my past.  My faith.

California was God's plan for my life.  He was the one responsible for that burning desire I had to leave home and discover more about life and love. He had put California in my plan a long time ago.  Moving away three years ago didn't work out at all like I had planned.  I failed.  My plan failed.  But God's plan was the biggest success of my life.  The lessons he taught me and the experiences I had were necessary for me to serve my purpose here on earth. 

The journey was amazing.  I no longer feel like I'm searching for more or striving to reach some invisible goal. The journey is life and finding your purpose is succeeding.  Once you start working for God and follow his plan for your life, that constant need for more is fulfilled.  It is filled with his unconditional love and that is when life starts to become more than any dream you can ever imagine. 

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 2

Walking into that church with Courtney at that time in life was when the most amazing thing happened to me. I felt his presence.  I felt God.  His spirit filled that church and filled my soul in that moment.  I had to continue to hold back tears the whole time.  Being in a church again and one that did not remind me of the forced religion that I had at one time grown accustomed to was a great turning point in my life. 

I could feel the presence of holiness and I could feel the spirit of the Lord for the first time at church. It only took that first visit and that was all I needed.  I left with a spiritual connection with God that I had always been missing.  God would answer my prayers now because I had prepared myself to listen. I remember that last time I went to my room and cried.  It was not too long before I left.  I remember it so clearly, I can almost hear the yelling in my head at this moment.  With so many love/hate fights over the years, I do not remember the exact argument or situation that caused this particular retreat into my safe zone.   I can of course assume that lying, deceit, hateful words, and lack of respect were all involved.  What I do remember is this.  While I lie on the twin bed in the second bedroom with the last few tears in my eyes, something happened.  For the first time, it all seemed so very clear. God's Voice. It was gentle, firm, and I remember how ready I was to listen while he said:

"It is over child. This is not my plan. This part of your life is done. Know that I have something greater for you but this is only the beginning of your journey.  Be patient.  It is not time to leave yet. You must be strong because it will be hard.  Be quiet and do not speak of what you know while you prepare.  Do not worry or wish for me to hurry.  Be patient.  I will show you when its time to leave him.  I will be there beside you.  It will get worse than what you know. Do not be afraid because I am here.  And most of all do not show anger, do not show regret, and do not show hate.  Only love, kindness, and forgiveness.  He does not know of these traits. be the example of me"

So of course I was pretty much freaking out alone after all this. I had never "heard" what God was saying to me.  They always talked about this at church but did they ever give us a story like this to use as an example.  Honestly explaining it would never give it the justice it deserves.  The feeling is indescribable. We are talking here about your individual relationship with God.  Nobody will ever be able to understand it but God and you.  We can relate by comparing stories but to explain the depth of the process and the feeling is impossible. 

And just as promised, he had the perfect plan.  In February 2010, I became emotionally detached from the man who had taken my life, my world, my soul.  And I knew at that moment that he didn’t stand a chance in getting me back, because I had someone on my side.  No longer was I helpless and alone.  No longer could he think that since I moved far away from family and friends and had no true friends to support me here that I would need him still.  No longer would I be dependent on his fake idea of love o his disinterest in caring for my needs.  I had a body guard, a shield, and my Father all in one.  He never stood a chance after that. 

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 1

The lies, manipulation, deception, cheating, jealously, and hateful behavior was the pattern that I can now say I became addicted to. Five years ago I met him, the man that would change my life.  I eventually got to a point when I knew that I was going to have to decide when forgiveness and second chances had reached the limit.  5 years ago I began a journey that would eventually bring me to the lowest point of my life.   It was dark, alone, and sad, and most of all depressing.  I lost everything, my identity, my motivation, my health and body, my determination and drive, my family and friends.  My entire world seemed to have disappeared and I seemed to be living another life.

At my lowest point, I felt so far from that young woman I once was, I started to wonder if I could ever be Kristin again?  Five years of my life I lived blind in a destructive relationship whether it was love/hate.  My self-esteem and sense of worth slowly began to slip away and now I am finally ready to open up and write the truth and publish all those stories I had written or thought about along the way.  This memoir will inspire anyone who has been hurt by someone that they thought was love.  Someone who like myself had fallen into a dark hole somewhere along the way.  So dark there was not even a glimpse of light to follow which would serve as hope for the end.   When you know exactly what you need to do, but you don’t have the strength or courage to make the change you begin to feel hopeless. 

As a 27-year old woman with a deeply rooted religious background, I found myself calling out to God unaware that I was seeking his guidance and direction.  Leaving all the silly rules of church that were instilled in my head at an early age, and the conformity of being taught how I was supposed to pray, I was simply reading scriptures out of the Bible and Women’s Devotional  to seek comfort in something familiar.  Each fight and argument seemed to grow more intense, there were more secrets being revealed and the pain and hurt grew even deeper.  It didn’t take long until I would regularly find therapy by locking myself in the second bedroom as I cried out for both my Mom and God.  There in that room were the only real pieces of me.  My clothes and shoes, the desk and bookshelf I had proudly purchased.  I made that room into my little world.  With the door locked and God’s word in my hand, I would simply read aloud verses and passages from a devotional often skipping to titles of the ones that would be relevant to what I was going through. 

There alone in that room I was doing something I had never had to do in over 25 years.  I was seeking God’s help and direction and without him I would be alone. Without him, I would have nothing.  My pride did now allow me to share my fear and pain with friends and family, so there in that room, God was the only one to hear me cry.  And now nearly two years later, I realize that each time I went into that room and read the stories and verses that would speak to my soul, each time make me a little bit stronger, each time made me a little less prideful, and each time God was secretly building up a little piece of me so that I would eventually have all the necessary pieces to be strong again. 

I admit that I kind of knew that it was already over.  Its like I knew what I needed to do.  I cried and prayed and asked God to give me the strength to leave.  Even when I knew it was what I had to do, I did not yet have the courage in my heart so I officially called on God to help me.  As I write this out, parts of the story start to unravel in my mind even more.  A friend of mine Courtney had invited me to go to church with her.  Now you should know that church is something that I had been interested in sharing in my relationship but was turned down on several occasions. I truly wanted a spiritual relationship together and with God.  So you can imagine what it felt like to hear comments on how I was probably really going to meet other guys and using church as my excuse. 

All Truth

2011 Generation Y mission to bring his people together

It was revealed to me with "All Truth" as my Dad described having workshotps and seminars. I believe this is more than a small ministry team, but bigger than that. Something that will connect the ministry teams here and around the world. It makes so much ssense. It would take time but what doesn't take tieme.

Can you imagine living here on Earth all together as God's people. If not, then what did you think would happen in heaven? How much fun would it be to eventually learne each other's languages, become well traveled, and had friendships all across the world.

This is what our generation is here to do. Twitter, Facebook, Email have taken over the communication for the younger generation. Generation Y will remain the generation that was born into it. We were instilled with those verbal communication skills that can win over groups of people. With skills on and off line, our need for chance, and our ability to work well with diverse groups as we were brought into the workforce with the babyboomers and now have the youngest generation which clings to us as we are the only generation to understand their their life.

believe there is a great coming together of charismatic driven like-minded people. God has been placing those people around me and I have been having this vision all year as it continues to grow. I have reached out to some and guess what "I don't care if you think I'm crazy" because I am totally crazy right now for God. Everything he does is for a reason and I live so much in the present moment free of stress that I am able to allow him to guide me throughout the day.




What do you think?



Any organizationas out there doing this now?



How far have they gotten?



How crazy do you think I am on a scale from 1-10?