Why filing for BANKRUPTCY turned out to be the most BEAUTIFUL day.

He handed me back the bright pink folder. The same folder that I spent one full day and two coffees collecting what seemed like hundreds of files, documents, letters, unopened mail, and notes of all the debt from my broken past. "It's pink because it makes this process a little more enjoyable and fun," I answered back to my lawyer as he smirked while questioning my color choice. I should have also included, "and I ran out of purple". While looking at that folder I realized I would have to carry it on my back when I biked home. I had borrowed a car on my first visit to the law office and I never thought about getting the folder back. 

"It's too heavy for my bag!" I thought. 

My floral backpack was already broken and I had double knots on both straps supporting the weight of what I was already carrying. Surely the evidence of my brokenness would fall out of my bag and the wind would carry them across the city. "Maybe I could call a friend for a ride?" I wondered. I let these negative thoughts flood my mind for a few short moments, but then I quickly changed my way of thinking. Would I really call a friend for a ride because one pink folder with credit and debt information weighing one pound or less might add too much weight for me to ride home? If God brought me this far then surely I could bear the weight of another pound. The only option was to carry the burden for just a short ride. Jesus helps me to believe in myself and He gives me the confidence to overcome obstacles. 

While organizing my backpack and shoving in my bright pink folder along with copies of all the additional documents I had signed over the past hour, I watched a couple walk into the office with a young girl. She must have been three. I couldn't help but think to myself, "They are filing for bankruptcy too. Did they ever not have money for food? Did he lose his job? Was somebody sick? Medical bills?" I wondered what it was like for a man to lead his family into that office. I watched the mother sit with her child. I wanted to hug her. I really wanted to hold her hand and pray with her. 

And that's when I realized the beautiful gift I received today. I can feel them hurting. I am also hurting. I am hurting with them and for them because I love them.  As I carried my bike down the stairs out of the office, I held back my emotions. As soon as I began riding away the tears began flowing down my face so I prayed for them and anybody else going through financial troubles today. I prayed that they wouldn't feel so alone and that they too would learn to lean on Jesus. 

There I was riding my bike with all of my debt on my back and I realized that I will never have to carry these burdens alone. The pain and suffering from a broken relationship, a job I thought I would get, a horrible car accident that totaled my most valuable asset, and all the other painful events from my past or any that come my way in the future will only be circumstances that test my faith.  I will never be alone when I have Jesus in my life. 

My legs were getting a little sore. I had already biked a few miles to the bank and over to the lawyers office. I looked down at my legs as they were pedaling and pushing me forward. Legs that for years I thought were fat and chubby as I compared them to all other women around me who were always skinnier and more beautiful. The same legs that 40 pounds heavier allowed me to cross the finish line of my first marathon helping me to escape years of sickness and depression.  Legs that walked the dusty roads in Kuwait and suffered many wounds and fractures on road marches. Legs that some soldiers wish they still had after having lost them while fighting for this country. Legs that will stay strong for me as I carry little humans into this world someday. I'm so thankful for how Jesus made me. I'm so grateful for my strong legs. 

And so I kept crying. As I wiped away my tears, I gazed at all the beautiful things surrounding me. Leaves were every color. Brown, orange, green, yellow, red, and maybe purple if I looked hard enough. Fall is my favorite season. I could feel the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun which makes bike riding something I have fallen in love with. This day was made beautiful just for me. I'm so thankful for beauty and I'm so happy for this day. 

My decision to write this today was not planned at all. The words just came to me while bike riding home after filing for bankruptcy. 

So far in this life, I have learned that my experiences good or bad are meant to teach me a lesson and to help others. I can feel the pain in other people so much it scares me. Maybe it's because I have encountered so much of it in my own life and/or maybe I just feel so connected to people. I figure why carry around all kinds of memories and experiences of pain, suffering, and healing just to keep them to myself. I want to share love and maybe this is how. 

I might not be working in a vocation that allows me to help others but maybe that doesn't even matter. We can all love and help each other wherever we are in this life. This is where I am today. I'm not sure where I'll be next. All I know is that loving people matters. 

Living healthy and loving people,

Kristin 

Even this blog is a mess.

To be honest I don't blog much because this blog and a few others I have created are so unorganized and since I'm on a time budget, I'm trying to prioritize my organizing projects. Today I will be organizing the last of my paperwork both military and personal. My source of inspiration was found in 2014 Better Homes and Gardens Secrets of Getting Organized. I learned that my organizing personality was a mix between social and visual with gave me the following visual suggestions.

Take photos before and after to capture my progress which will build confidence. 

Create a vision board with images and notes. (I did this about two weeks ago) 

Share photos with others online with other visual people. (I need the support) 

Here is the last of my paperwork that I need to organize. So far I've already found my very first passport and a book titled Will My Pet Go To a Heaven? See it really is possible. Things are already getting more fun. My plan is to have everything in three containers (baskets, boxes, file) in some order. I'll be using containers that I have for now but I might purchase a few new organizing tools. 

I would love feedback on what has worked in the past for you or someone you know. Maybe it was something you read or saw on television. Believe it or not this is not what I would love to be doing on my day off with this beautiful weather, but this is where I am. Maybe I really just need cheerleaders. Either way, thanks for reading. 

Blessings and Peace

Kristin 

Running on Faith

Every runner is on a journey and has a story to tell.  My story is not the best and it is not even the worst, but it is my own.  You see my journey is so much more than running.  It’s the combination of physical, mental, and spiritual growth that has developed within me over the past year while running on faith.  “Running on faith” is a phrase that has stuck with me throughout the beginning of this commitment to running towards God as well as my commitment to running my first marathon.  I truly believe that my faith in God is the only reason I have been able to escape a dark life of depression and shame and enter a life of beauty, love, and running. 

It was four years ago when God revealed himself to me in the midst of one of the hardest times of my life.  I was unhappy and felt more alone than ever before.  I had made so many mistakes and I had no idea how to start mending my broken life.  Depression, weight gain, a broken relationship, revelations from my childhood, rejection, medical emergencies, career changes, financial hardships, and a sexual assault would soon follow.  I felt hopeless, angry, sad, and most of all an enormous amount of guilt.  I lived a life of solitude and shame for a few years. How had I let things get this bad?  What could I have done differently?  Where was God? If He loved me so much, then why don’t I love myself?

My faith in God remained but NOTHING was happening.  

I think in our world today we are looking for instant results and in my case I was asking for an instant answer to prayer and change in my life.  I just wanted to be healthy and happy right away.  I was so focused on the destination that I didn’t realize the journey would be the ultimate healing process.  Without any self-confidence or motivation, all I could really do was pray.  And so I prayed.  I mostly asked God to help me reenter society and regain my life back, but I needed it to be more specific and short term.  So my prayers went something like this:

“Please help me get out of the bed today and spend time outside before work?”

“God, please bring people into my life that will help me on my journey physically and spiritually?”

“Lord, let me stop comparing my life to others. Allow me to truly love all those around me as well as myself”

“Help me to become a better daughter, sister, friend, and follower of you”

“Lord, I pray, please let me be Kristin again, the version of her that will glorify you”

Ok so you get the point. So instead of waiting around for an instant answer, I started to actually live a little bit more every day but this time it was all FOR GOD. Food was my emotional crutch no more but a gift from God that would be enjoyed and not abused.  My body was designed by Him so I am never ashamed of it but only work to make it healthier so I can glorify Him more. My friends and family were gifts from God that would be cherished and not taken for granted. Nothing was about me anymore.  While I remained focused on God’s plans and stopped living for myself, He was busy helping me to become the woman I was meant to be.  He answered my prayers.  I was healing, I was living, I was happy. 

Running was an answer to prayer.  It would become a steadfast physical commitment that would ultimately change my physical, mental, and spiritual life.  I talk to God so much while I’m running and I am so thankful for all of his work in my life. Each and every stride is because of him and for him.  Every run is a blessing because not only am I still alive, but I am living and healthy!  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is hot, sometimes it is cold, sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours, sometimes it is dark, sometimes you even fall and get hurt, but you learn to keep going. 

With God, you just keep running on faith. 

I don't fear commitment. I fear failure.

I once tweeted that I like to start things in the middle.  I don't really like beginnings or endings of anything.  Let's take a relationship for example.  The beginning is just weird and the ending just sucks.  I'd rather jump in the middle where its normal and fun.  But then again I fear commitment so I'm not one to ever really be in a relationship at all.  But is it really commitment that I fear?

Writing this book of mine feels a lot like commiting to a relationship.  I am ready and not ready at the same time.  I have writings from the past seven years that I need to compile together into this one masterpiece just as I have all the life lessons that I have learned to take with me into my next relationship.  So you might ask "What am I so afraid of?"

Let me share a secret. I'm not so scared of commitment, I'm just really scared of failing at the commitment.  I just want to be happy and I don't want to get myself in another unhappy situation.  I don't want to start a relationship that is going to end. I truly just want to wait on the ultimate relationship that will never end so I don't have to face the ending of another failed relationship.  I can't invest my time, energy, and emotions into a relationship if I don't love the other person and they don't love me back.

So just like being scared of a failed relationship, I'm subconsciously scared of commiting to writing a book that could fail.  I never realized this until just now.  I am frightened that I will spend so much time and put forth so much love into my passion of writing and it will crush me if the result is a failed product.  So I ask myself now "Do I just give up my passion?"

Do I look like the kind of girl that gives up?  I don't think so.  Now that I have finally admitted this to myself and my readers, it is time to take action.  I don't want to be scared of commitment because I am scared of failure.  That is no way to live life.  And so I have to ask myself. Is writing this book with so much love and passion without knowing if anybody will love it back the same as loving someone first with the risk of not knowing if they will love me back? That is a scary thought. I'll start with the book writing commitment first before I get ahead of myself. I'm going to write my perfect book and the perfect love story will be written for me when the time is right.

My dreams are high and my passion is strong.

Peace and Hearts
Kristin

Am I in "wifey" training mode or what?

I believe a daughter's relationship with her father has a great affect on her relationships with other men.

A little background information...
If you don't already know, I recently moved back to Virginia after being away for three years.  My Dad really wanted me to live with him for a while, which is one of the reasons God wanted me to come back at the time that I did.  My relationship with my father has made a drastic change in the past year.  You see he was always in my life, but I finally understood more about him during this past year. I have not lived with my father in over 20 years.  My parents split up when I was about 8 and I always lived with my Mom. When I was 17 I spent two weeks in Germany with my Dad.  For the first time I was "living" with him and that trip alone made a huge impact on our relationship. Now I am really living with him and learning a lot.

Living with the opposite of messy...
My Dad has always been extremely neat and organized and so this is of course where I picked up my "perfectionism" attitude at an early age.  However my mom is more relaxed and well that is where I picked up my "procrastination" attitude.  And so as I'm living here "temporarily" I am having to battle with my messy self in the oppostite of messy. So after two years of living with my ex as he tried to turn me into "little miss housekeeper", I spent the past year living with the most awesome roommate who shared the same clean, messy, procrastinating lifestyle as myself.  I have to admit, I got completely spoiled. Now I am back to faking it. 

If I can't be a bit messy, I'm just not really being me.

1. No shoes in the house.
This policy I actually tried to enforce when I was living with my ex. However, we always had those times we would forget and walk back in the house with shoes on.  And this is why you just invest in a carpet cleaner.  It's just not a big deal.  Here it is a cardinal sin to wear shoes in the house. I caught on really quick.

2. We have a dishwasher. We don't use it.
First of all, I'm the kind of girl that rinses food off the dish and leaves it in the sink or puts it in the dishwasher.  The dishes pile up, but what is really the big deal?  I had even made a deal with my ex once.  I clean the bathrooms, you can clean the kitchen.  However I still got yelled at a lot about my dishes in the sink.  But really, what is the problem?  I think it works out better if I just clean all the dishes at once while jamming out to music on my Ipod.  Also those dishes in the dishwasher that are clean stay there for a while. Looking for a glass or dish to use? Just check the dishwasher. What if I'm unsure about the dishes being clean already that are in the dishwasher? Just start it over again and wash them twice. Currently I'm learning the habit of washing each individual dish as I use it and placing it back where it belongs. It just feels so wrong.

3. Laundry is a big problem.
I'll never forget when I was 15 and my Mom shrunk one of my favorite shirts in the dryer. It swear it would have fit my Barbie.  That was the day I never let anybody touch my laundry again. But like anything else in the world, I forget about laundry.  I might throw a load in the wash and remember it hours later.  I could literally have laundry in the dryer for up to a week. Let's not mention the countless times I frantically throw a few articles of clothing in the dryer just to get the wrinkles out before I go somewhere. Well all of the above, is definitely not allowed here.  I'm having a hard time.

4. Random messes.
In any living situation, you should be able to find traces of me around the house.  Articles of clothing in the washing machine, random items scattered around the kitchen, magazines, fingernail polish, keys, and more random personal item scattered across the house on coffee tables or counters.  If you walked into this house, you wouldn't find anything until coming into my room.  I have to pick up after myself everywhere.  I can't even leave keys on a table without getting a knock on the door asking if they are mine. 

I love my Dad so much.  He's like the coolest man I know.  I have learned so much from him my whole life.  I won't ever date a guy that doesn't share a majority of his values and qualities. I have to wonder if my time here is somehow preparing me for that man that I will be with my whole life.  The best part is that no matter what I do, my Dad is always so nice and understanding.  He knows I'm having to change a lot and appreciates that.  His reminders are never nagging or judgmental, and I totally want to please his requests to "clean my mess"

I just have to wonder Am I in "wifey" training mode or what?


Peace and Hearts
Kristin

My Messy Secrets

Everybody has secrets. Even me. I share most of my life with the world because I have so much I want to express.  Not only that, but God wants me to. For a while I asked God, "Why me? Why am I having to go through all this?  I really am a good person and I don't deserve this. What is the reason behind all this?" 

The answer is this.  You see my whole life I have been learning how to become what he wanted.  I have always been writing since I was little.  Six years ago my best friend handed me a memoir to read "Memoirs of a Geisha" and we planned that I would write a book.  I would write my own memoir.  I never expected that the next six years would give me all the content I needed.  And I never expected for it to be God's calling for me to write about my life.

When I started sharing my messy secrets, I could not believe the feedback that I started getting.  People were really reading about my life and relating to it. It was amazing. I was actually helping other people who were going through what I did or something similar.  I started this whole giving back and working for God thing with the thought that if I could help just "one" person it would all be worth it. But then I started connecting with so many people and sharing with them what God has done in my life.  I realized that finally my dream was coming together. 

But it was never really my dream after all.  It was God's dream. 

The more I live, the more I write, the more I remember, the less I can share the real truth. You see, my life is not just about my mess.  My life also includes the messy life of those I care about around me.  And so while I try to write about my journey, I feel like I can't express the whole truth which is killing me.  And so I have decided that this book of mine will be the real truth.  I figure that if I write out all the secrets and let those I love read it first after it is complete, they will understand.  I think then and only then they will be able to see how "My Messy Secret" is truly God's work. 

I'm going to continue this blog of course.  Eventually I will focus on using this blog to share my journey of writing a book.  That should be fun.  I enjoy all of you who read my posts, whether or not you share with me that you did or that you never do. Let it be your very own "Messy Secret"

Peace and Hearts
Kristin

"a girl like the old me"

Most people don't like to admit that their life isn't really as perfect as it might look on the outside.  They try to hide up all the family drama, issues with friends and life, or problems that exist with a significant other.  I mean who wants to admit failure and screw ups to the people around them?  Who wants to be judged or talked about? Who wants their business passed around for others to use as conversation?  Nobody of course.

In reading one blog earlier, I couldn't help but keep saying to myself that she is "a girl like the old me".  Her blog was very attractive and interesting.  Her life was pretty much amazing.  She has traveled all over the world, living and vacationing in some great places.  She is furthering her education and has big plans for the future to "succeed".  She seemed family oriented, giving of her time and service, extremely active within the community and had an active lifestyle.  I couldn't help but feel a little jealous for a moment.  I mean "damn this B**** has everything.  Her positive quotes and outlook on life was almost sickening to me though and I couldn't figure it out.  I kept reading her posts which included a variety of topics and just felt BLAH.

And then it hit me.  Where was her struggle?  Where was her pain?  What were her faults? What had she overcome or faced in her life? 

I WAS SEARCHING FOR HER MESS?

I couldn't relate to her.  I couldn't feel warm and fuzzy with her and I couldn't really even be happy for her success because it was too easy.  I know this sounds really judgmental but I'm not judging her, I just want to be honest about how I felt.  Reading about her life made me feel like my life was even more lame and crappy.  She was a few years younger than me so of course I compared myself to her.  She liked a lot of the same things as me, and got to experience all the things I have wanted my whole life.  I almost got mad at myself for a second when I thought about how I had thrown my dreams away five years ago.  And then I thought what I think a lot of people hate to admit at some point in their life. 

This is not where I saw myself at this age. So basically I'm a failure. So lame. She reminded me of all the mess in my life and showed me her perfect, clean, and orangized life as a comparison.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.........BOOM! *blows whistle* 

Finally it hit me out of nowhere. I realized that she represented "a girl like the old me".  She had posted everything on that blog that she wants society and readers to perceive her as. Where was the real her? Where was the messy, the flaws, the screw ups?  I was tired of hearing about her postiveness waking up and getting out of bed excited for each day.  I mean really, get real.  As much as I love my life right now, jumping out of the bed is never going to happen unless somebody wakes me up with some extravagant awesome news like winning the lottery or having a publishing company offer me a book deal with an advance.

My jeaolosy and comparisons with her ended immediately when my heart reached out to her.  I thought about her future, I thought about her dreams being crushed.  I thought about her pour heart being broken and destroyed.  I prayed for her in a way.  I don't want her to go throught anything that I had to face. I don't want her to ever lose herself the way that I did.  And after all that I started to appreciate my failure even more.  I thought about how without it, I would never know the meaning of failure, helplessness, emotional abuse, regret, disappointment, feeling lost,

I have experienced the real world. Not only did I live in Kuwait for a year and live amongst Soldiers from every state in the U.S. I got to experience life on the West Coast and in the Midwest.  The business environment, the life, the people were all different. I got to experience starting at nothing and making it to something.  With no friends, family, or support, I had to find a place to live, start a new life, and resolve some issues from the past life.

From reading my blogs or following me on twitter, you might think that its so great that I can admit my faults to the world without thinking twice about people judging me.  Some might think that I have strength and confidence for doing so.  The truth is, I do.  The other truth is, I worked hard to get there.

Peace and Love
Kristin

The Mess is Success?

How many of you have thought to yourselves that once you overcome a certain obstacle in life or time period, then finally you be able to breath easier and just relax.  It could be that your waiting to get caught up with your bills, waiting for summer to get here so you can use your vacation to work around the house, or maybe your waiting for that next step in life whether it be college, your first job, or a new career. 

Its possible you are going through some hard times and need to borrow money, cut back on your budget, end a relationship, take care of one of your children or one of your parents.  You constantly look towards the future when the mess will finally be over or "when things get better".  But haven't you already had the back to back crisis occur at least once?  You know, just when you end one hardship, a whole brand new problem appears out of nowhere.  Its a neverending messy life isn't it?

If you keep waiting for the "what's next" and if you don't have peace and joy in the present moment, you are missing out on life.  Don't get me wrong, its great to have goals and future plans, but if you are constantly worried about the future, how are you ever able to enjoy the moment you are in right now? Love you life right now.  Your probably not enjoying the moment because you think its too messy.  I could be grief, anger, failure, disappointement, and the list goes on. We tend to throw all the bad stuff in life into this one category and we keep in private.  We don't want the world to know that we aren't as great as we really seemed to be.

I often wonder if we all just talked about the mess in our lifes and shared concern as well as motivation with one another, would we see some growth in society as a whole.  With pressure from family and the competitionwith our peers, SUCCESS has become the number one objective in life.  Success to some could mean starting a family and settling down in a house in a small safe community. 

Success from where I came from and that driving passion to make it to the top were based mostly on status, money, recognition, and position.  It could also represent all the places that you have traveled, all the things that you have seen, and all those experiences that have made you more diverse and well-rounded.   

These seem to be the most popular questions in order to find out more about a person. "Where did you go to college?  What company do you work for and what is your title? Where and how big is your house?  What kind of car do you drive?  Where did you last go on vacation?  How big was your wedding? Wedding Dress? Ring?  Is that bag Coach or Chanel?"

After you get the answers to these questions, you can finally draw up a conclusion of who that person really is.  Right? Wrong.  What have you learned about them? Now take a look at the next set of questions. 

"What are you passionate about? What are your hobbies?  Do you consider yourself spiritual at all?  What is one weird strange fact about you? What do you wish you could take back from your past? Do you admit your failures and disappointments to anybody? At your high school 10 year reunion what do you want your peers to remember you for?"

Are you with me still?  Now the first set of questions was an excellent way for you to know what a person does.  This is what they look like from the outside and how society .  You can't really find out who a person truly is without learning more about them not just what they have done or what they do.  And so when you start learning more about them, the messy life could start to reveal itself.  This is when you find out how people deal with mess.  This could be the single most imporant factor for me when determining a person's strength and character.  "How well do you deal with the Mess?"  Son in other words, when life takes its blows at you one at at time, how do you react and how do you plan to clean up the mess. 

You see for me, how well somebody handles the mess is a sign of that persons success.  And for those who have experienced more and more mess and those not afraid to admit the mess they are currently in, that is success.  So is "The Mess Really Success"

Here are some questions to ask yourself about life.  They really get you thinking don't they?  Feel free to answer the questions below or comment on this post about anything. 

How do you become your true self if you haven't been faced with any challenges?

What is success really? 

Who set the standard for that? 

So you're going off of society's standards for success or God's?


Peace and Hearts
Kristin

Confess The Mess: My First Series For Guest Bloggers

All of us have messy lives.  The mess can be emotional, financial, physical, spiritual, sexual, or a "combo mess".  From what I have experienced and learned in this entire process is that when one area is affected by the mess, the other areas soon start to show signs of a messy future.  It is best to clean out the mess before it multiplies. I just realized that I'm watching hoarders right now while writing this post.  This has got to be our sign and/or warning that if we don't take care of our messy life, we could end up as a hoarder with both physical and emotional junk that's so great it makes it on television. We don't want to ever have our mess consume our life that much.  Unless that is, your goal is simply to make it on television and this is your last resort. 

"Confess The Mess" was inspired by one of my readers.  She is a "closet writer" which is what I have decided to call those individuals who do not claim to be writers and wish to remain anonymous.  I'm so excited that this blog has turned out to be something that so many of my readers can relate to.  I randomly chose a title that ended up having multiple meanings about life. The best part is that I really chose it because it made fun of me for actually being a little bit messy.

If you need to confess your mess in life and have no other outlet, writing seems to be one of the more popular ways to express feelings and emotions.  For those struggling with the decision of whether or not to remain anonymous or not, please don't ever beat yourself up about being private. That is who you are and as a part of embracing who you are, you should fully accept your individual personality.

Stay tuned for the anonymous writers as they join my blog for the series "Confess The Mess"

Peace and Hearts
Kristin

Mess On The Move

On Friday, March 11, 2011, me and Coco started out journey back to Virginia.  It was three years ago and one month exactly when I got on the plane for California. I can't really begin to explain all the thoughts and feelingsI have in just this one post.  So of course that is why I have this blog and I'm trying to write a book.  

I still can't believe that my car made the trip again.  My car is 5 years old this month.  Crazy huh?                 

 

We had a short stop the next morning at Sonic for breakfast. I ended up taking about an hour for a break.  Who knows where we were.  I was just following the google map. 

We stopped at a rest area later that day and played fetch for about ten minutes.  We also had a short photo shoot to capture the moment.  Coco thought she would be cute and has her tongue sticking out in this one.

Peace and Hearts

Kristin

Packing up the Mess

Packing up the Mess (March 6, 2011)

Edit the Mess: Organizing and Downsizing Pre-move

The Mess (March 5, 2011)

This is a procrastinators worst nightmare.  Believe me when I say this was so hard.  I had no motivation to pack and this junk up.  I thought once about giving everything away and just starting over, but of course I know that I would have had regrets.  Thanks to Heather, Jinell, and Stephanie, I got motivated to pack, give away items that I didn't need to carry with me, and throw out some of the junk.  Coco's anxiety kicked in around this time.  This will be the 4th move of her life and she has not even turned three yet.  My dog is extrememly diverse and adaptable.  "she get it from her mama"

Peace and Hearts

Kristin

The Mess. The Packing. The Move.

Photo taken March 5, 2011

There was a tornado that touched down earlier in Tulsa, Oklahoma leaving one girl with nothing but a mess.  Clothing, shoes, accessories, books, office supplies, souvenirs from the past, and more had been scattered all throughout the home.  One giant storm leaves this young woman with a big mess.  Her journey will be difficult and her journey could be long. But one day she will realize that the belongings she holds onto are the ones that will always be with her, as she rids herself of the clutter that is part of the mess. 

Welcome to my messy life. I hope you enjoy my adventures as I finish completing this project I refer to as "Her Journey Through The Mess"

 

Peace & Hearts

Kristin

Read, Write, Run, and Repeat

This is what I want to do daily:

Read
I have so many books that I have started but I never get around to finish them.  What a waste huh?  I start reading one about a certain subject and then it might relate to another one so I basically jump around from book to book.

Write 
All I want to do is write.  Well an addition to that now would be Video Blogging.  It is so much easier to remember not only what was said, but how it was said.  I'm thinking about going to my parent's "lake shack" and locking myself up there for a few days.

Run
I will be running everyday, sometimes twice a day with occasional breaks.  The weather is beautiful and my dog is ready to go!  This should be fun.

Repeat
So basically I would be completely happy doing the above three things over and over again. 

I have to move to the beach.  Recently I have become obsessed with Florida and pictures from there.  I have also had random people the past few months mention that they are from Florida, wanting to move there, or that they have family there.  Maybe since I was born there, I'm supposed to like go back eventually.  Just a thought. 

Peace and Love
Kristin

Read Me. See Me.

This is how my mind works. Thinking, Idea, Talking, Idea, Listening, Share Ideas, Share Energy, Share Knowledge, Share Experience. By the way, I hope you were listening?

Before getting in my car on that last day in Tulsa, I was talking to my roommate about how much I could write about for 19 hours if I didn't have to drive.  She mentioned that I needed a tape recorder which I have thought about before.  Just like everything else, unless it is a sticky note on my hand or an alarm set in my phone, there is a 10% chance I will remember.  I did think about going to Walmart that night before I started my journey home, but I decided it was too late.  I go off feelings on most of my actions so I guess I didn't feel it necessary for me to go. 

Earlier that day I said my goodbyes to my best friend at work/neighbor.  She wanted me to come over again and say goodbye because she felt guilty crying and leaving so fast in our first goodbye.  Of course with me, the no emotions kind of girl, I was like "really, a second goodbye".  But of course since I have realized all my friends are so different, I have to treat each one unique so that we remain great friends.  This is similar to compromising in a relationship, plus it made her happy and feel better so why not.  After about ten minutes of saying goodbye to her and her children, I walked outside to leave and she followed me to walk me out to my car. 

For some reason, I mentioned the tape recorder idea that me and Heather had discussed.  Then my friend simply suggested that I use my phone's video recorder for the trip.  All I can say is this "Where did this come from".  First of all, why have I never thought of this before, and how did my return for a 2nd goodbye (which normally the old Kristin might have bailed on) provide me with the alternative suggestion that I needed. And so now I have used the advice that simply fell out of heaven. 

This is the unedited version of myself.
http://www.youtube.com/user/crzykris4u?feature=mhsn

Peace and Hearts
Kristin

California Dreams. God's Plan.

Moving to California had been my dream even before high school.  I always had this overpowering desire to move away and discover something great.  I knew somehow my whole life as I was growing up that I was meant for some kind of greatness.  I had some kind of superstar personality and truly believed that I would make it.  My dreams had no limits.  Everything I wanted in my life came true if I believed it was truly possible and worked hard to get there. 

When my best friend came into my life, she shared my incredible desire to pursue greatness.  I had found someone who had the same idea that anything is possible.  There are no limits.  Her enthusiasm and motivation was the motivation  that I needed. Someone actually believed me and understood how I felt about life.  Someone I could relate with and someone who would always believe in me.

People always stayed in the small town I grew up in.  They stayed for life and that was all they knew.  I knew that I would never be satisfied with my life if I didn't get out of there and find more.  I had no idea what I was looking for but it was bigger than anything I had seen or experienced.  I just knew it. I felt it.  I believed it. When the opportunity came for me to move away to California, I just knew this was my chance.  I took my first risk ever. I left my job, my family, my world as I knew it, I had escaped in search of what was missing.  California represented everything that I was looking for.  Different. Diverse. Dreams.  California had to be where I belonged and where I would discover life. 

What about God's Plan?

My life turned into a mess from the moment I moved to California and I would discover a world I never knew before.  This world was full of everything that I had never known before.  It was hard, sad, and lonely.  More than anything I felt like a failure and I was too prideful to ask for help.  I just stayed hoping it would get better.  I was fighting through so that I could be successful in leaving and successful in life.  Once I hit rock bottom and I couldn't fight anymore, I turned to the one thing I had from my past.  My faith.

California was God's plan for my life.  He was the one responsible for that burning desire I had to leave home and discover more about life and love. He had put California in my plan a long time ago.  Moving away three years ago didn't work out at all like I had planned.  I failed.  My plan failed.  But God's plan was the biggest success of my life.  The lessons he taught me and the experiences I had were necessary for me to serve my purpose here on earth. 

The journey was amazing.  I no longer feel like I'm searching for more or striving to reach some invisible goal. The journey is life and finding your purpose is succeeding.  Once you start working for God and follow his plan for your life, that constant need for more is fulfilled.  It is filled with his unconditional love and that is when life starts to become more than any dream you can ever imagine. 

Why so many girls are insecure and depressed......

I wrote this as a reply to a comment or post a few months ago.  I decided to share it here since this was a question I had always wanted to find out about. 

Society, High School, and change in my family made a huge impact for me.  Throughout my studies I found that 1 in 4 woman are depressed before they even leave high school.  With expectations to succeed in academics, athletics, friendships while facing pressures of beauty, weight, approval of our parents, we got burned out pretty quickly. 

Looking back I realize now what was going on with my best friend.  The best cheerleader, prettiest girl in the whole school, talented artist was depressed.  She eventually withdrew from our group of friends and used relationships to escape.  She never graduated high school and then entered a marriage that was pressured by her parents which a year later ended in divorce. 

Through her artwork on facebook and interactions with our high school friends I can finally see her again (if that makes any sense) We are who we are as children but you are so right we act how we are perceived. 

I would have to say that I felt a lot better about myself when I realized I wasn't the only girl that was feeling overwhelmed in high school.  It's just that nobody is talking about it and we are looking to fit it so bad that we couldn't possibly be the one taking medication or not able to handle so much responsibility and pressure.  If we were able to start communicating some of these issues at an early age we could fix a lot of the problem. Those young girls would learn to communicate with each other about their problems, issues, and concerns. 

Stop Depression.  Get Happy.

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 2

Walking into that church with Courtney at that time in life was when the most amazing thing happened to me. I felt his presence.  I felt God.  His spirit filled that church and filled my soul in that moment.  I had to continue to hold back tears the whole time.  Being in a church again and one that did not remind me of the forced religion that I had at one time grown accustomed to was a great turning point in my life. 

I could feel the presence of holiness and I could feel the spirit of the Lord for the first time at church. It only took that first visit and that was all I needed.  I left with a spiritual connection with God that I had always been missing.  God would answer my prayers now because I had prepared myself to listen. I remember that last time I went to my room and cried.  It was not too long before I left.  I remember it so clearly, I can almost hear the yelling in my head at this moment.  With so many love/hate fights over the years, I do not remember the exact argument or situation that caused this particular retreat into my safe zone.   I can of course assume that lying, deceit, hateful words, and lack of respect were all involved.  What I do remember is this.  While I lie on the twin bed in the second bedroom with the last few tears in my eyes, something happened.  For the first time, it all seemed so very clear. God's Voice. It was gentle, firm, and I remember how ready I was to listen while he said:

"It is over child. This is not my plan. This part of your life is done. Know that I have something greater for you but this is only the beginning of your journey.  Be patient.  It is not time to leave yet. You must be strong because it will be hard.  Be quiet and do not speak of what you know while you prepare.  Do not worry or wish for me to hurry.  Be patient.  I will show you when its time to leave him.  I will be there beside you.  It will get worse than what you know. Do not be afraid because I am here.  And most of all do not show anger, do not show regret, and do not show hate.  Only love, kindness, and forgiveness.  He does not know of these traits. be the example of me"

So of course I was pretty much freaking out alone after all this. I had never "heard" what God was saying to me.  They always talked about this at church but did they ever give us a story like this to use as an example.  Honestly explaining it would never give it the justice it deserves.  The feeling is indescribable. We are talking here about your individual relationship with God.  Nobody will ever be able to understand it but God and you.  We can relate by comparing stories but to explain the depth of the process and the feeling is impossible. 

And just as promised, he had the perfect plan.  In February 2010, I became emotionally detached from the man who had taken my life, my world, my soul.  And I knew at that moment that he didn’t stand a chance in getting me back, because I had someone on my side.  No longer was I helpless and alone.  No longer could he think that since I moved far away from family and friends and had no true friends to support me here that I would need him still.  No longer would I be dependent on his fake idea of love o his disinterest in caring for my needs.  I had a body guard, a shield, and my Father all in one.  He never stood a chance after that. 

God had to yell at me, b/c I don't shut up. Part 1

The lies, manipulation, deception, cheating, jealously, and hateful behavior was the pattern that I can now say I became addicted to. Five years ago I met him, the man that would change my life.  I eventually got to a point when I knew that I was going to have to decide when forgiveness and second chances had reached the limit.  5 years ago I began a journey that would eventually bring me to the lowest point of my life.   It was dark, alone, and sad, and most of all depressing.  I lost everything, my identity, my motivation, my health and body, my determination and drive, my family and friends.  My entire world seemed to have disappeared and I seemed to be living another life.

At my lowest point, I felt so far from that young woman I once was, I started to wonder if I could ever be Kristin again?  Five years of my life I lived blind in a destructive relationship whether it was love/hate.  My self-esteem and sense of worth slowly began to slip away and now I am finally ready to open up and write the truth and publish all those stories I had written or thought about along the way.  This memoir will inspire anyone who has been hurt by someone that they thought was love.  Someone who like myself had fallen into a dark hole somewhere along the way.  So dark there was not even a glimpse of light to follow which would serve as hope for the end.   When you know exactly what you need to do, but you don’t have the strength or courage to make the change you begin to feel hopeless. 

As a 27-year old woman with a deeply rooted religious background, I found myself calling out to God unaware that I was seeking his guidance and direction.  Leaving all the silly rules of church that were instilled in my head at an early age, and the conformity of being taught how I was supposed to pray, I was simply reading scriptures out of the Bible and Women’s Devotional  to seek comfort in something familiar.  Each fight and argument seemed to grow more intense, there were more secrets being revealed and the pain and hurt grew even deeper.  It didn’t take long until I would regularly find therapy by locking myself in the second bedroom as I cried out for both my Mom and God.  There in that room were the only real pieces of me.  My clothes and shoes, the desk and bookshelf I had proudly purchased.  I made that room into my little world.  With the door locked and God’s word in my hand, I would simply read aloud verses and passages from a devotional often skipping to titles of the ones that would be relevant to what I was going through. 

There alone in that room I was doing something I had never had to do in over 25 years.  I was seeking God’s help and direction and without him I would be alone. Without him, I would have nothing.  My pride did now allow me to share my fear and pain with friends and family, so there in that room, God was the only one to hear me cry.  And now nearly two years later, I realize that each time I went into that room and read the stories and verses that would speak to my soul, each time make me a little bit stronger, each time made me a little less prideful, and each time God was secretly building up a little piece of me so that I would eventually have all the necessary pieces to be strong again. 

I admit that I kind of knew that it was already over.  Its like I knew what I needed to do.  I cried and prayed and asked God to give me the strength to leave.  Even when I knew it was what I had to do, I did not yet have the courage in my heart so I officially called on God to help me.  As I write this out, parts of the story start to unravel in my mind even more.  A friend of mine Courtney had invited me to go to church with her.  Now you should know that church is something that I had been interested in sharing in my relationship but was turned down on several occasions. I truly wanted a spiritual relationship together and with God.  So you can imagine what it felt like to hear comments on how I was probably really going to meet other guys and using church as my excuse. 

Journey to Mastery

The master and the student on the journey to mastery, knows that the illusions are the illusions, decides why they are there, and then consciously creates what will be experienced next within the self through the illusions. When facing any life experience, there is a formula, a process, through which you may choose to move through mastery. Simply make the following statements: One, nothing in my world is real. Two, The meaning of everything is the meaning I give it. Three, I am who I say I am, and my experience is what I say it is. This is how to work with the illusions of life."

Neale Donald Walsch