Why filing for BANKRUPTCY turned out to be the most BEAUTIFUL day.

He handed me back the bright pink folder. The same folder that I spent one full day and two coffees collecting what seemed like hundreds of files, documents, letters, unopened mail, and notes of all the debt from my broken past. "It's pink because it makes this process a little more enjoyable and fun," I answered back to my lawyer as he smirked while questioning my color choice. I should have also included, "and I ran out of purple". While looking at that folder I realized I would have to carry it on my back when I biked home. I had borrowed a car on my first visit to the law office and I never thought about getting the folder back. 

"It's too heavy for my bag!" I thought. 

My floral backpack was already broken and I had double knots on both straps supporting the weight of what I was already carrying. Surely the evidence of my brokenness would fall out of my bag and the wind would carry them across the city. "Maybe I could call a friend for a ride?" I wondered. I let these negative thoughts flood my mind for a few short moments, but then I quickly changed my way of thinking. Would I really call a friend for a ride because one pink folder with credit and debt information weighing one pound or less might add too much weight for me to ride home? If God brought me this far then surely I could bear the weight of another pound. The only option was to carry the burden for just a short ride. Jesus helps me to believe in myself and He gives me the confidence to overcome obstacles. 

While organizing my backpack and shoving in my bright pink folder along with copies of all the additional documents I had signed over the past hour, I watched a couple walk into the office with a young girl. She must have been three. I couldn't help but think to myself, "They are filing for bankruptcy too. Did they ever not have money for food? Did he lose his job? Was somebody sick? Medical bills?" I wondered what it was like for a man to lead his family into that office. I watched the mother sit with her child. I wanted to hug her. I really wanted to hold her hand and pray with her. 

And that's when I realized the beautiful gift I received today. I can feel them hurting. I am also hurting. I am hurting with them and for them because I love them.  As I carried my bike down the stairs out of the office, I held back my emotions. As soon as I began riding away the tears began flowing down my face so I prayed for them and anybody else going through financial troubles today. I prayed that they wouldn't feel so alone and that they too would learn to lean on Jesus. 

There I was riding my bike with all of my debt on my back and I realized that I will never have to carry these burdens alone. The pain and suffering from a broken relationship, a job I thought I would get, a horrible car accident that totaled my most valuable asset, and all the other painful events from my past or any that come my way in the future will only be circumstances that test my faith.  I will never be alone when I have Jesus in my life. 

My legs were getting a little sore. I had already biked a few miles to the bank and over to the lawyers office. I looked down at my legs as they were pedaling and pushing me forward. Legs that for years I thought were fat and chubby as I compared them to all other women around me who were always skinnier and more beautiful. The same legs that 40 pounds heavier allowed me to cross the finish line of my first marathon helping me to escape years of sickness and depression.  Legs that walked the dusty roads in Kuwait and suffered many wounds and fractures on road marches. Legs that some soldiers wish they still had after having lost them while fighting for this country. Legs that will stay strong for me as I carry little humans into this world someday. I'm so thankful for how Jesus made me. I'm so grateful for my strong legs. 

And so I kept crying. As I wiped away my tears, I gazed at all the beautiful things surrounding me. Leaves were every color. Brown, orange, green, yellow, red, and maybe purple if I looked hard enough. Fall is my favorite season. I could feel the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun which makes bike riding something I have fallen in love with. This day was made beautiful just for me. I'm so thankful for beauty and I'm so happy for this day. 

My decision to write this today was not planned at all. The words just came to me while bike riding home after filing for bankruptcy. 

So far in this life, I have learned that my experiences good or bad are meant to teach me a lesson and to help others. I can feel the pain in other people so much it scares me. Maybe it's because I have encountered so much of it in my own life and/or maybe I just feel so connected to people. I figure why carry around all kinds of memories and experiences of pain, suffering, and healing just to keep them to myself. I want to share love and maybe this is how. 

I might not be working in a vocation that allows me to help others but maybe that doesn't even matter. We can all love and help each other wherever we are in this life. This is where I am today. I'm not sure where I'll be next. All I know is that loving people matters. 

Living healthy and loving people,

Kristin 

Even this blog is a mess.

To be honest I don't blog much because this blog and a few others I have created are so unorganized and since I'm on a time budget, I'm trying to prioritize my organizing projects. Today I will be organizing the last of my paperwork both military and personal. My source of inspiration was found in 2014 Better Homes and Gardens Secrets of Getting Organized. I learned that my organizing personality was a mix between social and visual with gave me the following visual suggestions.

Take photos before and after to capture my progress which will build confidence. 

Create a vision board with images and notes. (I did this about two weeks ago) 

Share photos with others online with other visual people. (I need the support) 

Here is the last of my paperwork that I need to organize. So far I've already found my very first passport and a book titled Will My Pet Go To a Heaven? See it really is possible. Things are already getting more fun. My plan is to have everything in three containers (baskets, boxes, file) in some order. I'll be using containers that I have for now but I might purchase a few new organizing tools. 

I would love feedback on what has worked in the past for you or someone you know. Maybe it was something you read or saw on television. Believe it or not this is not what I would love to be doing on my day off with this beautiful weather, but this is where I am. Maybe I really just need cheerleaders. Either way, thanks for reading. 

Blessings and Peace

Kristin 

Running on Faith

Every runner is on a journey and has a story to tell.  My story is not the best and it is not even the worst, but it is my own.  You see my journey is so much more than running.  It’s the combination of physical, mental, and spiritual growth that has developed within me over the past year while running on faith.  “Running on faith” is a phrase that has stuck with me throughout the beginning of this commitment to running towards God as well as my commitment to running my first marathon.  I truly believe that my faith in God is the only reason I have been able to escape a dark life of depression and shame and enter a life of beauty, love, and running. 

It was four years ago when God revealed himself to me in the midst of one of the hardest times of my life.  I was unhappy and felt more alone than ever before.  I had made so many mistakes and I had no idea how to start mending my broken life.  Depression, weight gain, a broken relationship, revelations from my childhood, rejection, medical emergencies, career changes, financial hardships, and a sexual assault would soon follow.  I felt hopeless, angry, sad, and most of all an enormous amount of guilt.  I lived a life of solitude and shame for a few years. How had I let things get this bad?  What could I have done differently?  Where was God? If He loved me so much, then why don’t I love myself?

My faith in God remained but NOTHING was happening.  

I think in our world today we are looking for instant results and in my case I was asking for an instant answer to prayer and change in my life.  I just wanted to be healthy and happy right away.  I was so focused on the destination that I didn’t realize the journey would be the ultimate healing process.  Without any self-confidence or motivation, all I could really do was pray.  And so I prayed.  I mostly asked God to help me reenter society and regain my life back, but I needed it to be more specific and short term.  So my prayers went something like this:

“Please help me get out of the bed today and spend time outside before work?”

“God, please bring people into my life that will help me on my journey physically and spiritually?”

“Lord, let me stop comparing my life to others. Allow me to truly love all those around me as well as myself”

“Help me to become a better daughter, sister, friend, and follower of you”

“Lord, I pray, please let me be Kristin again, the version of her that will glorify you”

Ok so you get the point. So instead of waiting around for an instant answer, I started to actually live a little bit more every day but this time it was all FOR GOD. Food was my emotional crutch no more but a gift from God that would be enjoyed and not abused.  My body was designed by Him so I am never ashamed of it but only work to make it healthier so I can glorify Him more. My friends and family were gifts from God that would be cherished and not taken for granted. Nothing was about me anymore.  While I remained focused on God’s plans and stopped living for myself, He was busy helping me to become the woman I was meant to be.  He answered my prayers.  I was healing, I was living, I was happy. 

Running was an answer to prayer.  It would become a steadfast physical commitment that would ultimately change my physical, mental, and spiritual life.  I talk to God so much while I’m running and I am so thankful for all of his work in my life. Each and every stride is because of him and for him.  Every run is a blessing because not only am I still alive, but I am living and healthy!  Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is hot, sometimes it is cold, sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours, sometimes it is dark, sometimes you even fall and get hurt, but you learn to keep going. 

With God, you just keep running on faith. 

I don't fear commitment. I fear failure.

I once tweeted that I like to start things in the middle.  I don't really like beginnings or endings of anything.  Let's take a relationship for example.  The beginning is just weird and the ending just sucks.  I'd rather jump in the middle where its normal and fun.  But then again I fear commitment so I'm not one to ever really be in a relationship at all.  But is it really commitment that I fear?

Writing this book of mine feels a lot like commiting to a relationship.  I am ready and not ready at the same time.  I have writings from the past seven years that I need to compile together into this one masterpiece just as I have all the life lessons that I have learned to take with me into my next relationship.  So you might ask "What am I so afraid of?"

Let me share a secret. I'm not so scared of commitment, I'm just really scared of failing at the commitment.  I just want to be happy and I don't want to get myself in another unhappy situation.  I don't want to start a relationship that is going to end. I truly just want to wait on the ultimate relationship that will never end so I don't have to face the ending of another failed relationship.  I can't invest my time, energy, and emotions into a relationship if I don't love the other person and they don't love me back.

So just like being scared of a failed relationship, I'm subconsciously scared of commiting to writing a book that could fail.  I never realized this until just now.  I am frightened that I will spend so much time and put forth so much love into my passion of writing and it will crush me if the result is a failed product.  So I ask myself now "Do I just give up my passion?"

Do I look like the kind of girl that gives up?  I don't think so.  Now that I have finally admitted this to myself and my readers, it is time to take action.  I don't want to be scared of commitment because I am scared of failure.  That is no way to live life.  And so I have to ask myself. Is writing this book with so much love and passion without knowing if anybody will love it back the same as loving someone first with the risk of not knowing if they will love me back? That is a scary thought. I'll start with the book writing commitment first before I get ahead of myself. I'm going to write my perfect book and the perfect love story will be written for me when the time is right.

My dreams are high and my passion is strong.

Peace and Hearts
Kristin

Am I in "wifey" training mode or what?

I believe a daughter's relationship with her father has a great affect on her relationships with other men.

A little background information...
If you don't already know, I recently moved back to Virginia after being away for three years.  My Dad really wanted me to live with him for a while, which is one of the reasons God wanted me to come back at the time that I did.  My relationship with my father has made a drastic change in the past year.  You see he was always in my life, but I finally understood more about him during this past year. I have not lived with my father in over 20 years.  My parents split up when I was about 8 and I always lived with my Mom. When I was 17 I spent two weeks in Germany with my Dad.  For the first time I was "living" with him and that trip alone made a huge impact on our relationship. Now I am really living with him and learning a lot.

Living with the opposite of messy...
My Dad has always been extremely neat and organized and so this is of course where I picked up my "perfectionism" attitude at an early age.  However my mom is more relaxed and well that is where I picked up my "procrastination" attitude.  And so as I'm living here "temporarily" I am having to battle with my messy self in the oppostite of messy. So after two years of living with my ex as he tried to turn me into "little miss housekeeper", I spent the past year living with the most awesome roommate who shared the same clean, messy, procrastinating lifestyle as myself.  I have to admit, I got completely spoiled. Now I am back to faking it. 

If I can't be a bit messy, I'm just not really being me.

1. No shoes in the house.
This policy I actually tried to enforce when I was living with my ex. However, we always had those times we would forget and walk back in the house with shoes on.  And this is why you just invest in a carpet cleaner.  It's just not a big deal.  Here it is a cardinal sin to wear shoes in the house. I caught on really quick.

2. We have a dishwasher. We don't use it.
First of all, I'm the kind of girl that rinses food off the dish and leaves it in the sink or puts it in the dishwasher.  The dishes pile up, but what is really the big deal?  I had even made a deal with my ex once.  I clean the bathrooms, you can clean the kitchen.  However I still got yelled at a lot about my dishes in the sink.  But really, what is the problem?  I think it works out better if I just clean all the dishes at once while jamming out to music on my Ipod.  Also those dishes in the dishwasher that are clean stay there for a while. Looking for a glass or dish to use? Just check the dishwasher. What if I'm unsure about the dishes being clean already that are in the dishwasher? Just start it over again and wash them twice. Currently I'm learning the habit of washing each individual dish as I use it and placing it back where it belongs. It just feels so wrong.

3. Laundry is a big problem.
I'll never forget when I was 15 and my Mom shrunk one of my favorite shirts in the dryer. It swear it would have fit my Barbie.  That was the day I never let anybody touch my laundry again. But like anything else in the world, I forget about laundry.  I might throw a load in the wash and remember it hours later.  I could literally have laundry in the dryer for up to a week. Let's not mention the countless times I frantically throw a few articles of clothing in the dryer just to get the wrinkles out before I go somewhere. Well all of the above, is definitely not allowed here.  I'm having a hard time.

4. Random messes.
In any living situation, you should be able to find traces of me around the house.  Articles of clothing in the washing machine, random items scattered around the kitchen, magazines, fingernail polish, keys, and more random personal item scattered across the house on coffee tables or counters.  If you walked into this house, you wouldn't find anything until coming into my room.  I have to pick up after myself everywhere.  I can't even leave keys on a table without getting a knock on the door asking if they are mine. 

I love my Dad so much.  He's like the coolest man I know.  I have learned so much from him my whole life.  I won't ever date a guy that doesn't share a majority of his values and qualities. I have to wonder if my time here is somehow preparing me for that man that I will be with my whole life.  The best part is that no matter what I do, my Dad is always so nice and understanding.  He knows I'm having to change a lot and appreciates that.  His reminders are never nagging or judgmental, and I totally want to please his requests to "clean my mess"

I just have to wonder Am I in "wifey" training mode or what?


Peace and Hearts
Kristin

My Messy Secrets

Everybody has secrets. Even me. I share most of my life with the world because I have so much I want to express.  Not only that, but God wants me to. For a while I asked God, "Why me? Why am I having to go through all this?  I really am a good person and I don't deserve this. What is the reason behind all this?" 

The answer is this.  You see my whole life I have been learning how to become what he wanted.  I have always been writing since I was little.  Six years ago my best friend handed me a memoir to read "Memoirs of a Geisha" and we planned that I would write a book.  I would write my own memoir.  I never expected that the next six years would give me all the content I needed.  And I never expected for it to be God's calling for me to write about my life.

When I started sharing my messy secrets, I could not believe the feedback that I started getting.  People were really reading about my life and relating to it. It was amazing. I was actually helping other people who were going through what I did or something similar.  I started this whole giving back and working for God thing with the thought that if I could help just "one" person it would all be worth it. But then I started connecting with so many people and sharing with them what God has done in my life.  I realized that finally my dream was coming together. 

But it was never really my dream after all.  It was God's dream. 

The more I live, the more I write, the more I remember, the less I can share the real truth. You see, my life is not just about my mess.  My life also includes the messy life of those I care about around me.  And so while I try to write about my journey, I feel like I can't express the whole truth which is killing me.  And so I have decided that this book of mine will be the real truth.  I figure that if I write out all the secrets and let those I love read it first after it is complete, they will understand.  I think then and only then they will be able to see how "My Messy Secret" is truly God's work. 

I'm going to continue this blog of course.  Eventually I will focus on using this blog to share my journey of writing a book.  That should be fun.  I enjoy all of you who read my posts, whether or not you share with me that you did or that you never do. Let it be your very own "Messy Secret"

Peace and Hearts
Kristin

"a girl like the old me"

Most people don't like to admit that their life isn't really as perfect as it might look on the outside.  They try to hide up all the family drama, issues with friends and life, or problems that exist with a significant other.  I mean who wants to admit failure and screw ups to the people around them?  Who wants to be judged or talked about? Who wants their business passed around for others to use as conversation?  Nobody of course.

In reading one blog earlier, I couldn't help but keep saying to myself that she is "a girl like the old me".  Her blog was very attractive and interesting.  Her life was pretty much amazing.  She has traveled all over the world, living and vacationing in some great places.  She is furthering her education and has big plans for the future to "succeed".  She seemed family oriented, giving of her time and service, extremely active within the community and had an active lifestyle.  I couldn't help but feel a little jealous for a moment.  I mean "damn this B**** has everything.  Her positive quotes and outlook on life was almost sickening to me though and I couldn't figure it out.  I kept reading her posts which included a variety of topics and just felt BLAH.

And then it hit me.  Where was her struggle?  Where was her pain?  What were her faults? What had she overcome or faced in her life? 

I WAS SEARCHING FOR HER MESS?

I couldn't relate to her.  I couldn't feel warm and fuzzy with her and I couldn't really even be happy for her success because it was too easy.  I know this sounds really judgmental but I'm not judging her, I just want to be honest about how I felt.  Reading about her life made me feel like my life was even more lame and crappy.  She was a few years younger than me so of course I compared myself to her.  She liked a lot of the same things as me, and got to experience all the things I have wanted my whole life.  I almost got mad at myself for a second when I thought about how I had thrown my dreams away five years ago.  And then I thought what I think a lot of people hate to admit at some point in their life. 

This is not where I saw myself at this age. So basically I'm a failure. So lame. She reminded me of all the mess in my life and showed me her perfect, clean, and orangized life as a comparison.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.........BOOM! *blows whistle* 

Finally it hit me out of nowhere. I realized that she represented "a girl like the old me".  She had posted everything on that blog that she wants society and readers to perceive her as. Where was the real her? Where was the messy, the flaws, the screw ups?  I was tired of hearing about her postiveness waking up and getting out of bed excited for each day.  I mean really, get real.  As much as I love my life right now, jumping out of the bed is never going to happen unless somebody wakes me up with some extravagant awesome news like winning the lottery or having a publishing company offer me a book deal with an advance.

My jeaolosy and comparisons with her ended immediately when my heart reached out to her.  I thought about her future, I thought about her dreams being crushed.  I thought about her pour heart being broken and destroyed.  I prayed for her in a way.  I don't want her to go throught anything that I had to face. I don't want her to ever lose herself the way that I did.  And after all that I started to appreciate my failure even more.  I thought about how without it, I would never know the meaning of failure, helplessness, emotional abuse, regret, disappointment, feeling lost,

I have experienced the real world. Not only did I live in Kuwait for a year and live amongst Soldiers from every state in the U.S. I got to experience life on the West Coast and in the Midwest.  The business environment, the life, the people were all different. I got to experience starting at nothing and making it to something.  With no friends, family, or support, I had to find a place to live, start a new life, and resolve some issues from the past life.

From reading my blogs or following me on twitter, you might think that its so great that I can admit my faults to the world without thinking twice about people judging me.  Some might think that I have strength and confidence for doing so.  The truth is, I do.  The other truth is, I worked hard to get there.

Peace and Love
Kristin